Coins

The hand and pen
together to death
shall they never part

But you paused them

We are two coins swirling
round
the yellow plastic
basins
at Walmart

Charity without
thinking of it

A small thrill
for alms

I will write again some day
soon
I can feel it
pushing against the cages of my
consciousness

Until then
All the beautiful things
I can say
are yours
are spoken and not written
are free versed

I will return to metaphorical
pen and page
But not yet
not
yet

Like clarity

I'm looking at you
In the drivers seat
In blue
In contentment

Your smile widens
I don't believe we are here
You say something to me
And I mentally pinch myself

We embrace
Passionately
Like folds in a blanket
Soft, random
Warm

I am not here
I cannot come to acceptance
This is it
I am a fool sometimes

I want many things
But I never want to be
An intellectual
Or an artist
For neither

Will capture the beauty of this moment
With anything
Like clarity

The tired ones

Heaven and Earth shall pass away
but the tears in your eyes
will stay
with my immortal soul
for all eternity

For longer than the dust on the ground
all of the stars that ever were
and ever shall be

You cried in your car
because your
body wanted to
betray you unto death

I held you
warmly
but conscious that I shouldnt
put you to sleep

there was water on the ground
the earth was weeping too
you and earth
together
cascading your feelings
upon me

You said it
I said it
We'd been feeling it for longer than we
were willing to admit

The water on the ground made a slapping sound
like tiny whips
cracking as they touched the asphalt

And your tears will
last longer
than any of this.

In the greener grass

It was past
three in the morning
I was smoking
I kept smiling

It was cold
tomorrow was supposed to be warm
I rested at a stoplight
and took a drag

And lauged

So this is what this feels like,
I thought

and I was suprised to see
that like sadness
it was not a static
emotion

And unlike sadness
it built
strongly
and I could feel it building
and I smiled more
and I took another drag

These cool early morning drives
on the freeway,
I never go faster
than 65

It doesnt feel like betrayal anymore

Warm and silent
as close as possible
water on the windows cover us up
and I grabbed her
held her firm
and as close
as I could

I wasn't crying
but the sweat on
my brow
may as well
have been tears

We don't know what
we're doing
and I don't know
to what end

But it doesn't feel like betrayal anymore
and I like that

Stronger swimmer

It's good to be a strong
swimmer
And it was so difficult
because I was always
drowning

My limbs thrashed
into cool liquid
trying to keep my head above water
so I could just
talk

Salt water rushing up my nose
and filling my mouth
that horrible salt
burning my eyes

I could have been better maybe
but everyone seemed to swim away
farther than I was ready
and I wanted call out
"Slow Down!"
but the thunderous water, pummeling the beach
the commotion of so many people;
sound at the beach just gets
lost

And my toes could barely feel the topmost layer of sand
the most unstable base
I wonder what I could have done
if I'd ever been able
to set my feet


Eventually I'll get out of the ocean
i've already taken some steps toward the beach
to the sticky moist sand
and then fiery
dry which isn't kissed by the tide
to towel off

and don't you know
that when you dry yourself off at the beach
you've conceded victory
to the ocean.

All I will be able to do is watch
and let the sun
beat my shoulders

I could've gone 3 more minutes

Losing a ball over the fence
with a snarling dog
sends chills
down 10 year old spines

but without the ball there is
no fun

You are on the the other side
of the fence
And I think you don't want me to come over

but without a ball there is
no fun

When will 10 and 24 year old's alike
realize
that fences
and snarling dogs
are not challenges

but clear signs,
meant to keep us out?

There were feathers all over the lawn

One time
I watched my cat
capture
a pigeon

He immediately pounced
on the bird
taken over by a blood lust

The next day
there were feathers
all over the lawn

I loved my cat
but I felt bad
about the doomed bird

I think before the poor thing
had its life drained out
of the gushing wounds
it,
well that is I think
it fell in love
with my cat.

The pigeon's face
was flush
and peaceful
eyes half closed
and would not break gaze
with its assailant's face

It was a horror
to behold
and though the cat felt no guilt
I did.

Now the feathers are gone
and so is my cat
I am alone
in my
guilt.

With reluctance, being realistic

Everything had a beginning
the universe and time
and matter
the opposite of matter
all began
even if it feels like there was nothing before

There was a time before I liked her
before the massive explosion
since then
since time began

And we try to understand everything
that happened since the beginning
it's so difficult
to have perspective

The smartest men
have wrestled with the concept of origin
of there being a starting line
even if it felt like an infinite time
ago

And in my case
much less than forever
yet still so lacking in perspective

I remember when it was just you
just another girl
but the end
is certain and firm
it will come

Maybe that's why we struggle with
the beginning
it forces
us to accept the end
when all things will break apart
will spiral out of control and
go cold

I heard a science program say
the end of the universe will
be a cold and dark time
like as such as has never been known
except before the beginning

It seemed so far away
but someday
maybe
someone will have to come to terms with it

And with her, I don't have that luxury
I will watch
the sun and galaxy
dim
and cool

I will see the end
because I saw the beginning
I remember what you were like before
and will once again be

Two minds, one for who wont have me and not having the one who will

Don't share what should be only
yours
with me
with anyone else
but especially
not with me

I can't handle it.

I become a predator
playing with its food
or a dog
eating when it is full

I don't deserve any attention
when I can't give you
affection
in return

Selfish is a good word
self serving
throughout
I want to give
but not to you
so for now I cannot take

I'll just destroy you
or bury you

I am the grim reaper
of heartfelt gestures
death become
decadent.

The one who deserves is rarely the one who receives.
It was a gloomy afternoon and I saw groups of people crossing the street while i tried to make a U-turn in my truck
Instead I road into a parking lot and turned around. I scuffed a car mirror with my own and left it there. This was all because,
I had someone else on my mind.

People sitting in the shade

It has to be okay
I thought
sweating
pulling my dry
hair through my fingers
knotted and gross
from sand
and sun
blasting

A kid and his girlfriend
ran up
drunk and young
living a song
but also just acting
doing what they think
they should
making the wrong decisions
for the sake
of someone else's
wrong decisions

So young
so purposely lost
in an age where it is so hard
to be lost
by accident

The gas station employees
must stair at their
dusty maps
longingly
because nobody ever stops
to ask for direction

The two kids
in love
will not be who they are today
in 3 years time
I'd bet they wont even know each other

But a part of me
envied them

I looked at people
sitting in the shade
and I thought of you

Idly, i said i wanted my heart broken so i could lose weight through depression

Endless track.
Am I behind
or in front?

The pursuit
tightens
I feel the air
stirred

I can hear footsteps
I can feel
the warmth
of
possibility

I was not sure
if I was following you
or now
you me

and what it all meant.

Joy can be found
in knowing
and even more so
sometimes
in not.

Gift exchange

Beauty
oh faded red joy
Her legs were pointed
to the sky
toward heaven

Smooth
and tapered
running your hand up your thigh
speaking to me
as if it were nothing

It was nothing
but it was your gift to me

I sat across
bent somewhere above
the midpoint
sunken
sullen
not quite comfortable
trying to be unfazed
by the elegant display

I wanted to tell you
but I never will

that is my gift to you

Bunker hill and the music I can't hear

Rush of newness
of contact
of realizing early on
that she is most likely into
me

Of any flame at all
I think
This is happening to me
and what do I think?
at first

I feel tingle
excitement
I feel her eyes on me
and when I mention something
that she loves
I can see it in her eyes
the recognition
of compatibility

But it never lasts long
Like the tunnels under bunker hill
I enjoy them
maybe I even love them
But they are so short
and I can see the end before I even enter

I feel like it can never work
like i'm broken
like i'm meeting my soul mate in
multiple vessels
and I keep forcing them
out
of mind, of anything that would remotely
make either of us happy

There is always a melody on my mind
faint
less than negligibly audible
and I want it
I want it more than all the other songs
I'm already singing
the tunes I already know
the new ones I already like

I want what is plausibly deniable
but infinitely more desirable

The faintest, tired sweet harmony
in a dry summer breeze
I am chasing the ocean inside
of a sea shell
while ignoring the ivory margin before me

Love is
the glow
from a cheap firework
Brief and dull
smokey
and it seems so much
weaker
than it did last year

The park behind my first home

The bubble gum
eyeballs
of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
ice cream
from the ice cream
man

Was all anyone could ever dream of

I stared at the sticker
of an approximate copy
of the real thing
Like it was
a treasure map

"That one"

I said, staring up at the ice cream man

While the other kids around me shouted their orders
as well
He reached back
but stopped

"Oh he's not with us"

said the mother of the children I met at the park
She said it like
I was
trying to steal
but I was only confused

I was still very young
maybe 4 years old

we had played
with no problem
we would not eat ice cream
together

My skin flushed
I felt
embarrassed
apart
dejected

I felt,
different than all the other children

I ran
there was nothing else I could think to do
than get as far away from
it as possible

My mother sat under a tree on a blanket
tears ran down my cheek
The sun was lower in the sky
it must have been past
midday

That moment plays in my mind
every so often
ever since then

It was the smallest I felt when I was small
and sometimes
When I think I am apart of something
with somebody
and I realize they never saw me the same way

I am that little boy
again.

Staring contest

She had big blue eyes
Silver really
Staring at me

I thought,
"It's going to be less fun without you here"
And I blinked

She played with her hair
Red and frazzled
Grabbing a handful and hiding her
Freckled face

I had nothing to say
As usual
When it would have been
the most
advantageous

I wanted her to remember me
We'd only known each other
a short while
Just the summer
maybe half a summer

She was the reason I always showed up
these days
Her lilted dresses
Sometimes floral print

How would she remember me?

We stood outside and another said
it was time to go
And I think it could be the last time
for a while
Maybe forever
It's hard to say what things may happen

She hugged me
I hugged her and really held on because
I knew it might be the last real hug someone
Would give me, as well
I told her,
"It's going to be less fun without you here"
Just like I had said
in my mind

But it already sounded stale and rehearsed because
For me
It was the second time

I took your picture
To remember you by
And I'm writing this to do the same

To remember how I felt when
Summer 2010 had ended

I wish I could have said more
Your skin was soft and cold
I already miss that incidental
contact of brevity

We hugged again and you said
Goodbye if this is the last time
And I said nothing but uttered simple
Agreements

"I dont know when I'll see you again" she said

And then you were gone
And it was another Monday night in Eagle Rock
Nothing to be excited about.

Dismissive with a grin

People are rarely so obvious
to me
as when they are dismissive

A smile creeps accross their face
they stare directly into
my eyes
And every word they speak is
a patronizing lie

They breathe heavily through their nostrils
they are like statues
It is their poker stare

They say words like
"Definitely" and
phrases like "For Sure"
and they hang on the "r" sound for sooo
long

And there is never any reason too
we usually have only just met
or it is about more trivial
than trivial

I want to walk away from it
but I smile
and they smile
They know, that I know
they are forking their tongues
we each have each other figured out
but I'm the only one who isn't lying

Say what you mean to me
I promise I can handle it
no kid gloves
give my face a slap
strike me with everything you've got

Don't promise me water
and light my shoes on fire.

Heaven forgets hell

Do you ever wish that good bye
was something that only existed
in movies
And we'd laugh and be confused
because there has never been a
separation
from anything
or anyone
in our lives

And hello is where it stops and starts
There is no such thing as memory
because there is no need for it

We never lost touch
we continually experience anew

Maybe that's what heaven is like
Being with people you love
and never having to say goodbye

Is that what art is
is that why we can tear up
with sadness
Is that why I can feel lost
in a room full of people I know

Because an empty seat
is not the absence of a person
it is the reminder
of who should be there

I feel like I always end up
beside an empty seat
In the most crowded moments

Just being

Be smarter
More humble
More aware
less affected
and more grateful

The list grows larger
as the infractions queue

Head down to the sunset
to what has come and always has been

Listen for the secrets
in silence
they are more beautiful than all of creation
for they were there when there was nothing

I may never grasp eternity
in this life
But then I would never be able to see
the elegance of whats before me
now, then and in the future

I was given an affliction
the longing
so that I could move forward
not so
I would stop and watch

If what is desired
is stationary
then it cannot be helped but be left behind

and to just be

But that doesn't stop me from watching
it
until she falls beyond
my horizon

You're only what i see sometimes

All the summer sprinklers
glisten at night
she shines at night

She cannot see me through the shaded lenses
I can't see her light

Don't force it
ever don't
force it

but what will I miss, when I just want
a kiss
but that which is genuine

Wilting letters
there is no more beauty on this page
than in my mirror

But you echo like long delayed chord change
you miss the melody
but you are

And even scraping the bottom of the barrel
I see you'd been there too

There is a can of diet soda
shined and reflective of the computer screen
there is no more apt a description
of my blithe
post party
meanderings

Okay ok OK

New week
I am smiling

The air was cool
and slightly humid

My truck wouldnt turn over
I needed three jumpstarts

It might not start again
I may need a new battery

But that's okay
Sometimes, things are okay

I had a lot of fun
with some good friends

That's something that's okay too
It's better to enjoy something

than grumble and worry
about never having it again

We sat on the brick steps outside my house
well, you sat

and I laid on the concrete driveway staring up at the stars
supporting my head
with my arms

I looked at one star and spoke my mind
I don't know if you listened
we are friends
maybe it doesn't matter

I felt relaxed and okay
I hope this carries into another day
when I don't have the light of another solar system
to calm me

And while the drives never got shorter
they do seem more productive

A city

You are no closer to me,
But I appreciate you more each day

Kind of a drag

The faceless one
in a sea of faces
not a riddle
but the commentary
on a year and a half
in the life

Can I call it that?

I am two short words in a list
without title adorned

Has everything I thought I accomplished
really just been appeasement?

Rather than ask myself
what i'm capable of
i'd rather have another cigarette

At least in those 3 minutes
a drag
feels good

Dog barking, phone ringing, weightless afternoon

The ocean is too big
overwhelming
rolling membrane
breaking and reforming
No one to see
for miles

Clear by the molecule
and blue as a whole
deep blue as depth grows
and I am there alone
attatched to nothing

Trying to rest
but I find none

Buoys, splash bye
and I hear them lapping
slowly
but infinitely elusive

and the space is ten feet or light years
it doesn't make a difference
I am without anchor

Without something solid
surrounded by liquid
softening my skin
pruning my finger tips
swelling my body
as it breaks down

The ocean forgave some
it can't bear to look
my way
Even a circling shark would be a welcome
friend in troubling seas
but it's just empty

The brine dries my skin
but moistens my eyes
as salt rejoins salt

I know some who sit on islands
who are grounded
who will take risks because they can always go home

But night and day are only separated by the horizon
and time flows in and out
as muscles atrophy
and lactic acid builds up
locking me
holding me
but not tethering me

A phone rang long
electronic malfunction

7 days 7 days 7 days

Yawn yawn
a new week
the same week

the week of waiting for a week to go by

A week of promises and broken promises
of possible interest
and definite disinterest

A week where I stare at the same names
and wait

And think to myself, where is the satisfying
pop!

Where is the bubble
of realization
and I think in the back of my head

Does she read this stuff?
and how must she feel about it?
Disgusted
Appalled
Amused?
Sympathetic
Apathetic
Confirmed
or Angry

I can't think about those things though
for risking too much self awareness on too many layers

It would hurt my head
not just my heart

Sorry for this,
But I honestly need people like you
to be my muse
even if it leaves
you bemused

So a week
again a week
7 Days to get it straight
to make a change
What will I be thinking when the next 7
approach?

Water fowl

Why am I so angry
so frustrated
all the time?

This isn't me
I'm not prone to anger

What happened to
the bright eyed wonder
I used to posess
When does knowledge I sought
become I knowledge i regret

When was the moment that
the forbidden fruit tasted bitter
was it on first bite?
Or was it after they'd reached the core?

There comes a point when water rolling off a ducks back
prevents water from reaching the fowl's mouth

I want to be happy and feel things
but blocking out the bad
seems to have taken the good with it

I want to feel
anything

Nothing with no one

The asphalt is so hot
this time of year
on my bare soles

Bare soul

borne solely on Friday afternoons
and the water feels good
and warm, like the comforting
brush of another person

Excuse me for being blunt
I know you don't like me
like that
sometimes i think you can barely stand me
I'm dull
compared to your real friends
I'm young, probably naive

Just a swimmer in a kiddie pool
while you sit with the adults in the spa

I love the water
holding my breath, listening to my own heart pump

I love sitting motionless at the bottom
eeking out every last bit of oxygen from spent lungs

I love the way the sun feels on my skin
because I was made for it
God made me for the sun

Not you, I guess
Even a beautiful day
is grotesque when i think about that

I'd rather do nothing with somebody
than something with nobody

It's too easy to die

If it's all in my head
then why is it so tangible to me

Why would a movie become
reality
if you really want it
feverishly

Why do mountains peak so suddenly
and drop off with more so aplomb

the journey to the top is riddled with difficulties
but its the effortless free-fall that
always kills you

And it's so easy to just die

There is a space that I wished to cross
looking at you mere feet away
seeing your pointed shoes
capping stocking stemmed
legs

I can't imagine a more simultaneously hopeful
and torturous situation
beyond which I have no vision
and behind which I have no cares

All I can see now
was happening right then

Coaster Album

You are the inexplicable draw
of the water pulling feet through sand
at the beach

I sink as you wash over me,
I marvel at the movement of my
toes transferred to the surface

The sun blasts me in the face
the wind seems to come from it

I stand unashamed
but only of my form

You are the bright explosions on the 5th of July
not the 4th

You are more special than that
because I saw you then
and not when everyone else did

You face down on the table
laughing
Is the absolute best thing
I take it in,
what I inadvertently triggered

And still this morning it's all I could think about
nothing happened

and it's all I can think about

Family Portrait

Why do you HAVE
to be so difficult

Are we done?
I asked

Something i'm so opposed to because
it's fake
a setup
We are not actors in our own lives
so why do you want proof of what we
never were

What about the happy times
the candid captures
where nobody combed their hair
or matched
Does anybody dispute the composition of
those photos?

We already live in a family portrait
with cutout houses
and cookie cutter home designers
going door to door selling the same look
the same veil to drape over our eyes

We can still be ourselves
but you wont let me be me
That's why i'm being so difficult

You guys wonder why I'm always so down
but you never really care
as long as i'm still on the rails
who cares which direction I boulder down
the track

When the record doesn't sound right anymore

Smoke free for almost a week
still feel the haze
unfiltered
and the sunlight plays in it
like sprinklers

Watch your eyes
it's almost all i care about
the spark is there

Is it there in mine too,
or just the exoskeleton
of a life already shed

Don't smile at me
i'll just smile back
I'm a mirror now
but of what you don't want to see

A light bulb surrounded in a cage
is never shattered
the dirty concrete floor
is never swept
and so goes Love
unclean and never broken
but that doesn't sound right

I asked her, "doesn't this sound weird to you?"
the song was off
was the night off as well?
she said yes, and gave me a look
but it was too dark to see her eyes

And now i wonder if I'm seeing things
and hearing things
that aren't there

Being interesting is difficult when I'm so far down the list my name is on side b: I'm a B Side

It's a struggle just knowing you
sometimes
ya know
you know everyone

But you don't really know me
I haven't told you
all that much

Does it remotely peak your interest?
I doubt it, I doubt it

The sermon of the couch

Oh,
how unhappy are the lovelorn
for theirs is an empty heart

They seek
and do not find

They knock in vain
for no one is there to answer

They drink and drive
and steal and cheat
and dishonor themselves and fight
for what optimism they hold dear

They are the gnats around coffee grinds
masters of head colds
and losers of decency

Theirs is the couch,
theirs is a computer chair
and lower back pain

Theirs is uncertainty
the same uncertainty we all face
love lorn or not
but they face it alone

The ones without who have so much to give
the child at Easter who cannot find a plastic shell
They are the unloved and beloved

You cry for them
your heart aches for them
and they do the same

for themselves.

Of myth and man

The myth is so much better
than the man
open your eyes
and remove all doubt
don't let this fool speak

Don't mistake the moisture in my eyes
for sympathy
you'll find it's only
contact solution

Let me be
when you find yourself in times of trouble
let me be

So much has been made of the thinness
of my accomplishments
the nature of my being
It's a cop out to say
i'm just a man

Truthfully i'm something less than that sometimes
more of a corpse these days
disgusting flesh
rotted from the inside

Can't you feel the fetid nature
of my words
my actions

I'm not acting
but floundering

Raspberry joints

Little satellite
trajectory true
but lying to yourself
this long elipse will slowly
drop you into the atmosphere

Burn you,
feel the heat
red nosed and runny
don't smile for your end
Like a little boy on a bicycle
running his handlebars
into the grass
while his savior runs a few feet behind

The excitement without training wheels
lead - very shortly - to complete loss of control
like the satellite
sucked by the molasses of gravity
the soup of shame
an angle of anguish

Little boy save yourself
every decision you make now
may only lead you
closer to
the dirt
and scraped knees

Raspberry joints
that sting for days

Burnout

Put the lid on the jar
watch the match burn itself out
oxygen starved
tightly sealed

The dancing whisp of smoke is what I remembered

Sometimes these things have a way of ending
all their own

The one bold bird late at night ruffled his feathers and cut the darkness

Cylindrical mirror
cobalt tint
Sunday morning and the slats
of blinds with too much dust
and fingerprint marks
as if some one were trying to escape at night
while I slept

Birds chirp
all day
but I like the loud ones at night
because they wait until the stage is silent
They're too smart
to become part of the rush hour white noise

That's why I do my best work
at night
when almost everyone else has gone to bed

That's when you should listen to me
if you can keep your eyes open
or at least your ears

I saw her in my dream last night
she smiled

You know the only disappointing thing about dreams
is not that they never happened
but that
they ultimately mean so very little

And maybe i'd be better off as a dream
because at least you'd have a vague
fond memory
and in that
you will find something to smile about me
during your long day
of waking

Vacant

I'm in the endless cloud
light years from one end to the other
careening forever it seems
never reading
never writing

not feeling much of anything
anymore

If I may gain anything back
I would give away what little I still have
the stars burn away cosmic dust
and like that
the brightness of a few
have eroded
so much of what i'd built up for myself

The space between is expanding like the universe
ever faster
ever greater
And nobody ever beats the current,

Sometimes going with the flow
is a defeat
worse than drowning

You may think you see my humanity
joy, anger, sadness
but it is so vacant

Right now, I'm not here
I'm not anywhere
right now

Piss

The door slams shut
in my face
he can't stand the sight of me
I've pissed him off

Let me out
please let me out
I don't have much money

I don't know why i bugged you
to be frank
I'm angry at the lack of light
of transparency

For holding my home hostage
for ignoring me
for belittling me
and acting like your moods
are as unchangeable as the laws of physics

So don't give me your stress
I know things are tough
for you
But
Life isn't roses
because I have time to watch them grow

So as you spend a whole 7 bucks
on a book you suddenly need on a maslow's top tier level
I want to leave
you don't need to push me
off the edge

I'll jump

Have your books
but don't be surprised
that the water you stir
causes sickness for the rest of us

Day's vs. nights: everybody needs a win in the spring

It's spring again
I'll be 24 soon
i've been sick since I got back
but i'm better now

The sun, the breeze
the orange poppies
nothing is better than California
on a day like this

Depression gets the best of me at night
but 1:44 on a Monday
make 24 years seem like
a warm afternoon

I don't know why I obsessed over you
sometimes
the best times really

maybe it's because the nights are never depressing around you
but is it worth my afternoons?

We can only do what we want
on days like this

The dog of Texas

I hope the desert will cure me
it's sage brush
wishing me well with wise words

The road will extend into pure white bliss
and on them
we travel into the place the sun rises

I haven't been where i'll be going for six years
six long years I never thought i'd see
go by
not unlike the six long months
I left in the lone star state

Flat lands and blue skies
that's what I remember
boredom
that's what I remember

Not this time
I go as part of a group this time
when I was 18
I was truly alone
in a way few people ever get to experience at that age

And sometimes being alone has it's advantages
May Austin be an old bloodhound
which is why i'll choose
to let a sleeping dog lie.

Not sad, just dissapointed so far

Spectacular 60watt bulb
and i'm trying to avoid you now
trying like the fish in the river
stick close to rocks
and depths
in between reeds

They know where it's safe

My life is full of needs
of desires
it hurts
or it can

Walking in the moonlight
passive glance at empty
meander

Just thinking of her
is enough sometimes
and isn't it incredible how
powerful our need for that connection is

and just how mismatched the wind and dirt
can sometimes be
I feel like the dirt
trampled and set in
moved only on the surface
pitted and pockmarked

and she is the wind
brushing my thoughts
as we elude each other
for different reasons
unrevealed

Too long with nothing to show
Am I so unlucky?

Missed Connections

Dear girl who comes into my cafe
wearing small square rimmed glasses
and has a short smart
hair cut

You're very tall
I don't usually like that

You sound very smart
like you choose your words carefully

Like you have a higher degree
or just a better one than me
and most of the people who come in
and buy latte's from me

You tend to be serious
I can't remember if I crack jokes
with you
you're too smart to laugh

I think I saw you smile once
and when you tell me thank you
and I say your welcome
and to have a nice evening
or good night
or sometimes the more confused
have a good da-night (because I've been
saying good day on automatic but the sun is down now and I don't want to get it wrong or sound like a total idiot even though i feel like one in the messy outfit I wear and wash only occasionally but in the end still sound like an idiot)
I really mean it with you

I imagine that you really are grateful
that I made your drink
But I think we both know
that isn't the case.

I just wanted to say, i'm not though
an idiot that is
and of all the people
who come in
I think I like you the most.

Playground politics

Why is it
that everyone
is well versed on every subject?

"Killer Whales are hyper intelligent
pack animals

That's why they killed the trainer"

says an anonymous commenter
who I can only assume
enjoyed high school Biology more than Chemistry

I wonder if the now deceased
diver
knew their instinctual habits
and if she could have prevented her own death
with this information.

Everything is over reported
and everything is blown out of proportion

We are all just products
of too much positive reinforcement
from our parents who had too much
of the negative

See saw, see saw
Playground politics

A cycle like the seasons

A name become paralysis
both chokehold
and savior

Too far gone

This is it, you know
The sad ending to another pointless feeling

The sudden sunset to a tumultuous day
spurred by the fumbling idiocy
of my own mouth
and warped mind

There are a lot of good reasons to pay no attention to me
but the best one is if
I pay too much attention to you.

Never be too kind to an awkward person
I'll just end up confusing it
and abusing you.

It's only February

Tonight I took a step out
the front door
to a world
shrouded in fog

The air was a dream
and nearly silent
nearly
because the freeway is never silent

Up the near street to a tiny park
the moisture turning
3 foot light posts
into bright monoliths of hope

I could not see the sky
but it was there
and that's like so many things
these days

But not being able to see down a street
is secondary to knowing it already
and I'm already familiar
with the path
i'm on now

Fog used to be so depressing
now it's
just an accent
to
a
beautiful cold night

When I sit alone
I find that I only comprehend the possibilities
through a cloudy mire
of uncertainty

And under a gazebo
well lit and dry
above my neighborhood
just out of sight
from my house

I think again of all the things
I cannot see
but am still confident
they are there

This Valentine's day post will not be depressing

This Valentine's Day poem will not be depressing
because I'm just not right now
Because I have hope
if not in a girl
in something else
I'll pop in the same films
I watch every Valentine's Day
Remember we talked about them that one night?
I said I loved that part where
it's snowing and he smiles
you said you loved the part where he's crying
I guess that's what I find so fascinating about you
Even sitting on a couch half asleep
you contradict me
with a smile

Tomorrow I'll watch that film and now
when I'm watching him smile
and cry
I'll only think of us talking about it
and not what it's supposed to make me feel.
Remember you said you couldn't watch films like that anymore
because you didn't like having your emotions manipulated?
I bet you had your heart broken
I don't know your past
but I bet there was a time you felt differently.

I wanted to argue that point
but you were right.
I'd much rather feel something while watching a film
because something happened to me
and not because I'm a puppet.

We aren't puppets and that's what makes love and real life so exciting
we aren't puppets and that's why-

That's why
Even though I'm going to be alone
I won't be lonely
this Valentine's Day.

Two blankets

The night before it's going to rain
is unique
it's beautiful, wind wisp brown hair
gorgeous dark, clear
tumultuous and un predictable

but always unique
I live my life on the margin of day before rain
and the storm

The storm is great but it's all over so fast
the day before a storm is the infatuation
the build up
the sizing up
just watching you lying there, shuttering eyes
content
with our without me it turns out

But that's the rainstorm
I think about the day before
not the calm before the storm
because I was not surprised

The day before a storm wraps herself up
and is not cold
and if you really love the day before a storm
like i do
you wait with it until time runs out
You'll endure because
you can't be outside when it's raining

Oh my feet were so cold
but inside I was burning up

Time is our most uncaring enemy

The skeeziest guys don't sleep half as bad as I do

Our breaths pushed themselves into the air
pushed themselves to condensation
white vapors like a field of hot springs
on dry last days in January
dry for many reasons
not the least of which was
my own insecurity
cracked and scarred as it is
thirsty
I was feeling full though
from your breath
I felt full
The drums hobbling along
feet tap
tall kids waltz
with short fairy sprites
I stood alone
because as nourishing as you felt to me
I was not the one quenching you
I know him
I knew this
this is no surprise to me
you do love him
whether or not it admitting it was brought about
by whiskey and drugs
you love him
and I knew this
still I let myself drag on
rope tied around my neck dragging me through dark empty streets
of old ethnic neighborhoods
that our grandparents probably knew in much harder times
I let you fall asleep
I let you talk to me
my eyes deceived me
they told me what I was looking at was beauty
just as my mind played the image over and over
like a loop on tape
but this is the digital age
completely objective and cold
cold like my feet and yours
cold like my back when I was facing the fire
and cold like my front as I left your front steps
It was five in the morning and the sun was not up
while I coaxed extra miles from my thirsty green truck
And I coaxed out remembrance from you days later
memories i recalled not because I wasn't drunk
but because you were in them.
I drank from you again
but the well ran dry
You do love him
and I knew this.
So now tonight, I think i'll dehydrate myself on cheap alcohol
but I wont forget
I can't drink to forget
because drinking wont separate your image from old memory
it'll just damage the new ones.

A perfect day for Salinger

To pay respects to J.D. Salinger, one of my favorite authors and the author of my favorite book, Franny and Zooey, I am re-posting a poem I wrote after reading one of his most famous short stories.



For myself, with love and squalor

There are no silent brooks
but some trees fall unnoticed

some rocks go unturned
And the heart and mouth
do not always connect

Like cupping two palms
to draw water for drink
The heart has so much to say
it runs over the edges
So when raising it up
to quench the thirst
The mouth sadly finds
most of the substance had slipped through the cracks

So little makes it through the lips
that only a stunted version
of what was meant to be said
is ever really verbalized

So with a dehydrated mouth
and a heart about to burst
I slosh about
hoping to strike the rock
and have water spring forth
Or waiting for an angel
with a divining rod

There's an ocean of life under this course surface
and I've yet for another one to want it

And my vision is illegible and my concentration fades
two and three times for a sentence
and one or less times is my s-e-n-t-e-n-c-e

Love is...

Love is like that one movie
I've been meaning to see
and everyone tells me is really good
but I just can never get around to it

It's playing everywhere
it's in the Netflix Queue
I even saw 20 minutes of it
on TNT once

But I always miss the most important part

You've seen it
They've seen it
But I haven't

Love is Avatar in 3D

I wonder how much longer it'll be in theaters

Who can say

Clicks stop, clicks stop rubber asphalt and rubber soles
blades of grass, popping acorns and dried up leaves
angry ember, seething hate in paper packed tobacco
Orange dirty light from street lamp poles

Alcohol wipes sunburnt lips, dry cracked
licked wet
prickly stubble, cactus face, velcro snap
CHA CHA lounge delays
empty buddy list empty mind
undertones of emptiness
permeate the air like sour department store cologne
sour voices, sour responses
her voice is sweet like sour gummy worms

Smooth skin like silken sheets, dark linen
Laugh like water from minutest spring
in the suncaked dryest desert
so soft, so coveted
so soft and cold
a delicacy for starving fingertips and the heart alike

silent clicks, nearly silent, surpressed language from a board
a marriage of mind and voice
voices voices voices
voices in the darkness, pops drips bleeps
bubbled conversation

the early morning looks just like night
Who can say if she'll be there
Who can say?

Everybody's talking bout Joe Frazier

Maybe it's because you're exactly
what everyone needs
and everybody has figured it out
too

Maybe it's because you'll sit alone
pleasantly warm
like two minutes old
pancakes
and don't desire more than that

Maybe it's because the sun could rise and fall
and all the air around you jump to life
like electrons before lightning
and you would continue
unaffected

You're so
unaffected

Like the ash in an ash tray
burnt out
smoldered
heaping gray dust

Like the sound of traffic never ceasing
and birds ever optimistic
sprinklers regular

Sack up and grow a pair
you said

Harsh

I woulda kissed that girl I swear
but I had other things on my mind maybe
and my heart wasn't in that fight

You're like a boxing coach
and I'm not much of a boxer
But I'm still glad
to have you in my corner of the ring
even if sometimes
it's you
I'm trying to square off with

Steven the confident

Always out of place
Out of style
Nobody's friend
The future like fake nights
in 1960's movies
Bleak, blue,
shaded.
Filtered.
The teary itch crinkles eye lids
Not laugh lines
But stress fractures in dam walls
Of flesh
Pressed by loneliness.
Smile please, breathe please
Love please
The warm fuzzys just burn
these days
If a tear should cascade from a crack
Wipe it away
Forever.
Look at me please
See what I've hidden from the mirror
And call it good
Call it
good.

Steven the pest

Annoying little pest!
shoo!
Annoying little boy

There will be no quarter
for such badgering

The boy pleads clemency
he didn't mean it
honest

She looks on warmly
okay.

But a bother he remained
So she finally shut him out

and the little boy
with nobody to bother
sits alone on the sidewalk
wishing he'd
never done anything at all.

Better to let a feeling go
than normalcy

For obsessive games
become fodder
for embarrassment
in very short time

And make for
red faced little boys
who deserve no sympathy

and garner no award

Malls as an analogy of greater societal oppression

To all the families wasting away
in a food court
Leave, I say
Wake up and see the mall for what it is
not a destination
but an orgy
of blind expenditure
and impulsive pleasures
Parents take up your children
whisk them away
from all the gilded
brass treasures

See the outside world
See a library,
read a book
take a picture
Use your holiday to become closer to one another
and not credit card debt

Don't you see?
the mall is a lie
The mall will always let you down
because it is not a resort
but a prison

So flee the prison
before escape
is as ignored
as a PA announcement

We live in a society
where people are content to
sleep
they have no aims
they have no knowledge of fulfillment
left a lone-edness
is the most common desire

By and large we groan and roll over
and eat the slop put before us
like the swine and bovine
in the south valley
And like the valley, the stench is nauseating to
anyone passing through
but to those who live in it
of it
around it
they can't even remember what it smelled like

The mall is a trough
and entire families will feed from it
for entire days
chewing the cud
and staring blankly into blandly decorated
space

I will be waiting behind my counter regardless
wasting hours
being pressured to sell you things you will never need
and sign up for cards you will never use
the money may trickle in
at a minimum wage clip
but I swear to you
the moment the cage door is left open
my exit
will be
swift