Last time I cried (short story)

The last time I cried, I mean really cried...

"I was about 16 years old," I said to my partner under the stars.

I adjusted my body on the blanket I set up in my truck bed for a midnight picnic. Placing my right hand along the side of my head to prop it up, I looked her right in the eyes.

"Really, you've never cried at all since then?"

I smiled a bit.

I loved it when she played sarcastic. But I wanted to continue my story because I knew she would care. That meant something to me.

"Maybe I've teared up at a sad news story or favorite part of a movie, but I'm talking about a complete release. The kind of crying that happens when sadness is the only thing on your mind, the only emotion you are capable of feeling. The kind of crying when you're torn away from something you love."

Her smirking face sobered.

In the dim glow of the waning moon, her brown hair sparkled like a 2 foot waterfall from a trickling brook.

"What made you cry, if you don't mind me asking?"

Her face was genuinely inquisitive. So I went further. Further maybe than I normally would have.

"Well, and this is gonna sound lame-"

She quickly interrupted.

"No Evan, I don't think you could cry for a lame reason."

I was taken back for a second. I wasn't used to believing somebody when they said a thing like that. But I believed her. I believed every word she ever said. It almost made me want to cry right there.

"Thanks for saying that but, the last time I cried was when I found out my cat died."

"Oh, that's so sweet." she told me with a tired smile on her face. The kind of smile that is sincere because exhaustion would not allow the wasted effort of false pretension. I loved tired smiles and for whatever reason that is what she gave me in this moment.

"Yeah, I was away for the weekend with some friends at the beach. At that age, I was finally being given the freedom to do things like that, you know? Anyway, it turned out to be a really hectic and strange time. A girl I thought I liked was there camping with us and I was doing all I could to stand out to her."

"What was her name?"

"The girl I liked?"

"Yes. Sorry if that is a weird question but I always love hearing the names of high school crushes, for some reason they are names that people only seem to have in high school."

I laughed. I knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Her name was Michelle Castaneda. I used to listen to the Beatles song Michelle and it would remind me of her. It still does actually."

"Oh, that's a pretty name. My first crush was Walter Doosenburg."

We both laughed.

"Doosenburg? That is definitely one of those high school names."

The night sky was an audience for our mirth. The infinite splendor of stars and the temporary glamor of the city below cheered as we two were as alone as happiness could permit.

"So you were out with your friends and then what?"

"Oh yeah. Well I was trying to coax Michelle into noticing me like I said and it ended up becoming a disaster. All of us were on the shore late at night we climbed up onto a lifeguard tower. On my way up I slipped and hit my leg on a protruding bolt or something. Long story short, I spent most of that night in the ER waiting to get stitches for what turned out to be a hole in my leg straight to the bone. Needless to say, things did not work out for me and Michelle that weekend."

She burst into laughter and tried to cover her mouth until her eyes watered.

"I'm so sorry Evan. I know it must have been terrible but it's just... so you. Go on, please."

I grinned.

"Right. So after that debacle I got home and I found out that my cat was killed by coyotes. I just burst into tears, absolutely uncontrollable. I felt a real loss. Which sounds so dumb because people lose family and friends every day, but I think when that cat died, I felt a void more real than the chunk of flesh I left at the lifeguard tower. And that was the last time I cried."

"Awww Evan. That is so sad, really I'm close to crying myself. And its nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody can tell you what to love. And losing that thing will always cause you to wince in pain. Its an equal action reaction response. It's not pathetic that you cried over your cat, it's logical."

She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. She was such a good friend. I felt guilty for wanting to kiss her back.

"You are so amazing to me when you don't have to be, you know that?"

She looked away for a second and I felt embarassed.

"Uhh, but I think it bothers me that I cried for my cat because there is another reason I cried then and haven't cried since."

"What is that?"

"I think it's because since then I haven't really loved anyone. Well, I love my family but its different. I mean people you develop love for. It's like I've been alone since then and sort of distant enough from people to not have that reaction. And it hasn't been only my decision. I don't think anybody has loved me enough either. It's hard to explain but I just can't cry about anyone anymore. It's a numbing experience to be alone."

The wind tussled the leaves in the canopy above us like ominous applause and for ten minutes after that we lay there in silence.