But i'm scared

Fear is drilling into my brain
burrowing out of my subconscious and into my lucid state
then she put me on hold
God was it for real
stomach twisting and tying into double knots
the kind you cant get out because they're too tight
I can't even make out the lines of her face
all that is seen is words
like smoke rising up and dissipating
When do i get to shift into second
stop revving and revving and sucking down fuel
when does it become easier?
But I'm scared
I'm scared cause failure could be worse
worse than trying
she's not responding
do I panic
or remain calm
she could be sleeping or resting
Though i would never know cause I can barely see her face
This is painful
Stepping on broken glass bare feet broken arm blisters painful

For the occasion that you are pretty

Kicking and fidgeting
I want to say more
Ive got the devil and an angel on each shoulder
and both are urging me to say something
But sometimes something is hard to say
Difficult to put into words
My fingers atrophy as the seconds rush by
taking the breath from my lungs
I cannot speak more
though my brain could write a novel about it
Humor me just a little longer
It always feels like failure
Even if i broke the tape before the others
I haven't won till i've adorned the medal
Gilded as it might sometimes be
A win is still a win
But to me all is loss
A little more time
A little more familiarity
A little more reciprocation
More it seems is all I need
The world is falling apart from too much
And I want more

The Hero Arch

Out of darkness comes the light
out of obscurity, a fame
and out of my mouth
is wretched sorrow

Intrinsically linked since the moment of transfiguration
as I, my new self, and adulthood sat on the crest of adolescence
I was blind but now I see
The angst and anxiety
and stress and moroseness
Of realizing my goal
at the same time as my fault

A window was opened
paralleled by bars built round it
I must slay my enemy
release myself from the gravel
from the earth
from this cage

the moment of revelation, the second coming
I long to leave this body for another
not burdened with the weight
of waiting in uncertainty

God asks for my patience
He requires my trust
but long is the road ever stretching out in front of me
I would rather settle for second best or half of what is due
than bide my time in what seems like eternity

He knows this, I know this
but still my arch is not finished
I concede in submission while I follow the road
I can feel my victory over the next hill, the next year
But how many more hills and valleys and steep slopes and canyons must I cross

Before I reach the peak at Sinai
and the Lord reveals his plan to me
or will I merely get a better view
while I die in quiet solitude at the top.

Still a hero
but of a shallow victory.