that my girlfriend's
parents
will never believe I am anything
worth spending time
on
They will hug and handshake
and smile
but behind every smile
will be a cloud
of thoughts
those thoughts will be my shortcomings
or their perceptions of them
They will judge me
against every other guy my age
and maybe against an ideal of themselves
at 26
But they've never really asked me about myself
I realize now
that there are people who will never care to know me
whatever their first surface impression
of me
was good enough
But it still bothers me
it bothers me that they will speak for 20 minutes
to an aquaintance and laugh
and engage
But they will never care enough
to ask me about my thoughts
my feelings
I admit
I'm horrible at small talk
and I have been many negative things
and respect is something to be earned
But at night
they would rather walk right past me
than spend 10 minutes trying to find out something new
as if I am so simple to read
with no complexity
no ideas
no real hopes
To them
I am always just a Used Car salesman
selling my dreams
To whoever will listen
And sometimes
I worry that I might become a used car salesman
or roofer
or office secretary
If I don't find my place
in life
But i've never lied to them
I don't lie to many people really
nobody wants to know my secrets
my depths
They look at me
like an idiot
they speak to me like a toddler
in entendre's
inserting jabs at every pause
double speaking to my face
as if I am not perceptive enough to figure it out
but I do
I always do
I am insulted continually
but I can't say anything
Here i can say something
I can say that I think they treat their daughter like an afterthought sometimes
I can say that regardless of the amount of pictures of God
on their walls
I find little evidence of him in the quiet places of their home
I can say that while i will defend them if i think they are right
they wouldnt give me a hand if i was sinking
in a tar pit
they wouldnt give me the time of day
except when I'm expected to leave
they will hurt her to demean me
they will say to me that they care
and wipe their muddy boots
on my face
they will smile
that goofy toothy smile
with red cheeks
kissed by alcohol
and teary eyes
belying their obvious pain
and whisper in secret
That I am nothing
And for that I will only trust them
when i can see their hands
because I know that they wait
for me to screw up
so they can reveal
their hate
"Lighten up"
they say
"Come into light"
I reply.
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