I know the tongue behind their teeth

It took a wedding to realize

that my girlfriend's

parents

will never believe I am anything

worth spending time 

on

They will hug and handshake

and smile

but behind every smile

will be a cloud

of thoughts

those thoughts will be my shortcomings

or their perceptions of them

They will judge me 

against every other guy my age

and maybe against an ideal of themselves

at 26

But they've never really asked me about myself

I realize now

that there are people who will never care to know me

whatever their first surface impression 

of me

was good enough

But it still bothers me

it bothers me that they will speak for 20 minutes 

to an aquaintance and laugh

and engage

But they will never care enough

to ask me about my thoughts

my feelings

I admit

I'm horrible at small talk

and I have been many negative things

and respect is something to be earned

But at night

they would rather walk right past me 

than spend 10 minutes trying to find out something new

as if I am so simple to read

with no complexity

no ideas

no real hopes

To them

I am always just a Used Car salesman

selling my dreams 

To whoever will listen

And sometimes

I worry that I might become a used car salesman

or roofer

or office secretary

If I don't find my place

in life

But i've never lied to them

I don't lie to many people really

nobody wants to know my secrets

my depths

They look at me

like an idiot

they speak to me like a toddler

in entendre's

inserting jabs at every pause

double speaking to my face

as if I am not perceptive enough to figure it out

but I do

I always do 

I am insulted continually

but I can't say anything

Here i can say something

I can say that I think they treat their daughter like an afterthought sometimes

I can say that regardless of the amount of pictures of God

on their walls

I find little evidence of him in the quiet places of their home

I can say that while i will defend them if i think they are right

they wouldnt give me a hand if i was sinking

in a tar pit

they wouldnt give me the time of day

except when I'm expected to leave

they will hurt her to demean me

they will say to me that they care

and wipe their muddy boots 

on my face

they will smile

that goofy toothy smile

with red cheeks

kissed by alcohol

and teary eyes

belying their obvious pain

and whisper in secret

That I am nothing

And for that I will only trust them

when i can see their hands

because I know that they wait

for me to screw up

so they can reveal

their hate

"Lighten up"

they say

"Come into light"

I reply.

The can't feeling

Tearing through a bag

of kettle barbecue chips

with abandon

sad

and angry

all things but myself

all things but thinking the thoughts

i default to

All things to no men

The sky has been all gloom lately

grey and wet

like a soft piece of tofu

nearly inedible

and blank

Like my mind on most days

except to distract myself

job number one

is to forget reality

these days

Some turn to drink

or drug

I eat

I am sad

I feel chained to the swivel chair 

in my office

held in by a two walled

cubicle

My heart

as well

snared

to a job i do not love

But I just

can't

Do you know the feeling?

the can't feeling?

It's just awful

almost every day

its awful

Some call it depression

but I call it

can't

not even cannot

The weather will warm up soon

and i pray that I move on as well

even if it means months

of heat

and smoggy days

I think

Sometimes the smog is more breathable