The last great night that LA ever had

The city at night
the last great night
of a great era

The lights
the chill of fresh rain
of winter
of Los Angeles in
Mid December

Oh those beautiful lights
I fell in love
with you
years ago
They always fill my heart with love

When will we know?
tommorrow
next week
I have no control
I feel more wild than
the unstable air

Feral
wolflike
alone
brooding
but still
just barking at the moon.

How senseless
an act
because it will never cease
to rise
nor will
my will influence
Yours.

For wanting. For fear of expulsion.

Dont change my life
not yet
not this way

Don't let us
disgrace us
with
natural facts of life

This could be
one of the last days
of this life
After that
who knows

We'll live through it
but if this cup
could pass
I'd cry
for joy

The cradle as a cage
for you
and me
Find a way out
i'm desperately
crying out
in the darkness
for
a way out

A way to not pay for our sins
A way to defer them
I'd pray for forgiveness
but I know
that we are

But that doesn't save us
in this life

Save us
in this life
I fall asleep wanting

I fall asleep soundly
one more night in the garden
shameless
and free
I pray for many more nights
but I feel
it might be one of the last.

The wind came and swept my anger away

The winds came
and swept my anger away
the tree's cheered
and howled
and hooted
like our audience
and you cried
to see me
and I
knew
Things were gonna be ok
not yet
but soon
The next morning
trees were all over the roads
power lines were splintered
but what we have
is
only a little stronger.

The wind came
and swept my anger away
and somehow
kept us close
together.

The undeath of old things

So many people
treated you
like dirt
and for a week
they treated you like a person

They don't deserve you

They pretend to be real men
and laugh
at me
because i'm not like them

What arrogance
what hypocrisy

I'm glad you finally stood up to someone
too bad it was to the one person
who consistently stood up
for you

Hold on to the things they gave you
temporarily relieve the pain

clutch the needles
let the anchors
weigh you down
say the words
drink
the wine

And spit on me

The most selfish one

I held you all night long
and it meant nothing to you

How despicable
and embarrassing
I'd just as soon
not have arms

than have them so ignored

I watched you smile
in your sleep
I thought it was cause I was there

The smile was gone in the morning

You told me i'm selfish
it's true
I can be
the most selfish person
on the planet earth

But not when i'm with you
I'm as giving as I can be
despite
what everyone else
whispers in your ear
I am always on your side
and I have been there
for you
not just on the Holiday's
or in the midst of tragedy

No

I Love you so much
I am there for you
when there is the serenity
of ripples
on a pond.

The new word

Why have you decided to leave me now
we were walking side by side
but the two paths we traverse
were so slowly
bending away from each other
i never recognized
it
until now i have to shout
for you to hear me

I could have done things better
I could have come
closer to you
I should have
but it seemed like you were
repulsed
with every step I eventually made

Now you yell to me
"I love you!
but,"
but never used to be apart of it
now its all I hear

BUT
you need to work on some things
BUT
you need to think about me
BUT
you shouldn't have been like that

I'm sorry for those things
but
mostly im sorry
that now that you see me
the way i really am
for the first time
it's not what
you thought you wanted

Now, i'm the toy that's the wrong color
you could still play with me
but I still see
the disappointment
written all over your face

I'm not ready to give up
on us
BUT
if I'm not what you thought you had
could I ever really be?

Collectors item

Chaos is beautiful
shattering glass
cracked ceramics
random flashes
flickering fluorescent lights
all these things happen
for a reason
but they are not part of a plan

Everyone understands a crime of passion
justified or not
but premeditated
is evil
because too much control
stifles
true beauty

Boxes are wrong
everything that is in a box
belongs somewhere else
deserves freedom
and if they don't deserve it
then they deserve
to not exist

Nobody wants to be
the treasured figurine
in a
glass case

We should all strive to be
the action figure on the ground
the well worn coat with frayed
strands
the dirty cup in a sink
the yellowing white t-shirt

We love many things
and we want to protect them
but I only want you to love me
if you're willing to smudge me
scratch me
drop me
get use out of me.

But leave me out of plastic covers
boxes
cases
displays

No greater a fate
than to be a cherished item
on a high shelf.

This is hardly a poem

Where have you gone?
Do you even read what I write anymore
you used
to tell me
when you liked one,

Now I don't know
if you care
or if you just don't like it

You fell in love with
the idea of being with me
and sometimes
i feel like
you neglect the reality
the immediacy.

I miss when you wanted to impress me
not because you needed to
but because it showed you care

Where has the romance gone?
We've been together a year
not a decade.

The present is the foundation
of the future
a necessary evil
of the ideal

I miss the excitement in your eyes
replaced by
a dreamers gleam

I love you so much
Today
this second
this immediate moment

And I feel like you love me
in the future.

The corner

I can see nothing
from my corner
but I see all too well


Talent
without inspiration
Experience
without wisdom
Voices with hollow opinions
Questions
without answers


Sad, pathetic
normal people
smiling without joy
planning without acting
Working to no end
for no end
a vacation
a dog bone
a sad play.

A reality

My corner
hides my eyes from the lie
while my ears pick up the reality.

And from my corner
I hide
from it.

You are with me when the dogs bark at each other

A grinding of dry soil
a ping of chain link
fencing
Warm air, still air
two dogs bark
and speak to each other
The end of a street, the entrance to
a desert
Just myself
and the Creator

And it all made sense
The loneliness which used
to be in my heart is
no longer
A despair which felt as hot and unmoving
as this night
is gone
and I can be alone and hear silence
not my own thoughts

Life if unforgiving
that is why we come together
that is why i searched
and searched
and found
the one who never left my side

It was you
who I wanted
It was you
who I desired
and still it is you
who is with me
when I used to be without

I cannot wrestle with the angel
for it has already struck
me lame

You have made me settled
you have given me peace
in the most peaceful settings
And though you may think I never wanted you

I chose you

I chose you to be my companion
to be my stability in quake
to be my solace
from everyone else

You are the shimmering lights in the valley below
the warmth emanating from the ground
you are the shadow of mountains
and the shine of waning moon

You are the howls of desert fauna
you are my muse
for now and forever
You and I
will never be away from each other as long as both our heels
touch the solid of the Earth
and I suspect,
(once we are beneath it)
then as well

We are two specks of dust
in a sea of dunes
at the mercy
of wind
and shake
and time
and flood
But we will always track
along side one another

You are the beauty of this age and the next
and you are
mine.

Love incarnate

Everybody speaks like they are giving the speech at the end of a movie

Everybody speaks
like they are giving the speech at the end of a movie
precisely measured
perfectly metered
impassioned
emotioned
baby talk

Pure drivel
A prayer to
self indulgence
faux intelligence
served on a platter
of inconsistent volume
and movie anti hero charm

And gone
Gone is the thing which makes each person
great and small
themselves

I consider it a triumph
for a mouse to speak with
a rodents diminutive speech
and not the trumpet of an elephant

And most of all
I consider my own voice
the ringing in my ears
the self regulated song of myself
I struggle to tally my breaths and sentences
and hope that simple arithmetic does not prove
my only reason for breathing
is to endlessly use a voice
which

I consider foul
distasteful
tinny
And over utilized

I long to be a star of the silent film
The Golden Age of Hollywood

A maintenance

I cannot push you
cannot will you to do what I want
it isn't my place
I cannot sit by wayside
and try to keep the clay
from crumbling off
because

I did not form you
you did
and others did

And you did not form me
though
I wish you would try
You do not have a sculptors heart
But that of an appreciatist
of art

And I have the sculptors eye
and no arms

I hope you do not crumble
I don't want to see that
to see your youth and beauty
not only fade away
but never fully realized

But I cannot save you
You can.

I cannot even convince you
to save you
only
You can.

I have to look away
and hope that every time i look back
you're still there
like i remembered.

Afraid of me

The eyes
sheepish, doggish
sluggish
of a worried face
expression says
"We're sorry"
body language leans away
nervous chuckle

The movement like a hyena
around a lion
tenuous
calculated
none too careful

I am the lion
but not the large maned
kings of the savannah
but the fringey
mangy
young lions
who wander aimlessly from carrion
to carrion

Rejection
like a scorched valley
black and brown
distraught and dissolute
They creep around me
hoping I wont come out of
a brooding daze
and charge
but anger is not
the unstable emotion
i feel

Embarrassment
For being what I am
for not being good enough
a pariah of the pride
without pride
a car salesman
worse

A cell phone salesman.

A cursed wanderer
"Where is my path?"
I have no help
no solace
not on this earth
and Coptic glyph, cryptic
advice from on high.

Unsure of each movement
unsure of each step
and everyone tip toes around me.

A voice crying out
in the wilderness
John the Baptist
of the Inland empire
Asphalt rivers
for renewal.

My head prepared
for the platter.

Buoyant

Your kind words
kiss my lips
like bleach laced
darts

They try to life me up
but grasp only lapels
and cuffs
removing my shirt
and leaving me bare

An ugly
unpolished
misshapen
very nearly unholy
ugly

too real for me to see
when i look in the mirror

18 was the last year
my confidence rose
through photograph

7 years
since i could say
I liked myself.

I feel alone
because nobody can relate to me
weakened by my distance
from ideal

If 18 were an oasis
i've walked through the desert
and am in a salt sea

desperate and hopeless

You hurt me when you try to help me
You love me but I despise me
I have let myself
and you down.

Weighted down by
disgusting bloat and waste

I deserve to drown
dragged through the abyss
by my excess mass

Instead I am made bouyant

Sitting on the surface incapable of overcoming
its tension.

not able to end
what little life
I feel i have.

Revelations

If the world ends tomorrow
in gargantuan upheaval
with torrential hurricane
whirlpools, tectonic plate shifting
madness
If the world ends
with all the crops withering
sparrows falling to hardened earth
and minnows washing upon shoreline

If the world ends
with politicians screaming
guns thudding
bombs crashing
lights flashing

If the world ends with men
prophesying,
young men having visions
and flames

I'm glad I found you

I'm glad i saw you
and kissed you
holding your soft skin in
my arms
Holding you
laying with you

If the world ends tomorrow
in all the fury of an ancient God
it wont feel like i had anything more to gain
in my life.

If the world ends tomorrow
at least I had you
in the end.

What used to be

You are so fragile
you are the petal of
a glass vase

Its so hard to be delicate
around you

to feel shattered when you crack sooner.

It's like I am made of glass
but you are made of ice

I am so sorry i cracked you
for so many years.

I was foolish
but half the time i didn't know

I wish you could have told me then.
But,
many a difference
would have been invited

You were caught betwixt
myself, ego, insecurity
A flourishing mess
a soup of desire and despair

You were always there for me
a solid place
in liquid time

But i eroded you
unbeknownst to me

but known to you

And now
I know.

I know you say you couldnt hate me, but you did
and i didnt know it

I thought you loved me
I thought that by giving you part of me
You could get some of what you wanted
and i could get some of what i wanted

But neither of us got what we wanted.

Now we do
we have each other
fully and completely

We have the sun in july now
we had clouds and night before.

But i have a hard time forgetting what used to be

Paradise lost/regained

Something pushing behind my eyes
a pressure
getting worse
To be something
or
do something

Just something

To have more go right
than wrong

to be that unlikely story
to be the blind fish
who live in dark caves

Who gave up their eyesight
for immortality

and what would i give?

What scares me the most:
I don't know

That darkness
is so looming
and dense
like an oil slick

It chokes me
stops my words

I'm afraid i'm not good enough.

They say those fish in caves,
evolved separately
over millions of years
losing their color
their eyes
any semblance of their old life.

They took something common
and made it spectacular.

And which brave fish
all those eons ago
jumped from the clear mountain stream
into hell

And if i had to rule in hell
would I too
lose heaven?

Who knows
They always admire the brave ones
the stubborn ones

The fish who gave up everything
for a little freedom.

Breathing and smiling

You burrow
deep into my side, rubbing and adjusting
like a mutt
found a warm sun spot

It feels good
in a way nothing else could
it makes me feel high
like alcohol
or cigarettes never could

I bend a bit
sniff the top of your head
because you love that
I do too

We cant get any closer
but we have to try
we wont be happy until we
are within each other
permanently

You are so happy,
that all you can do is breathe
and smile
because im talking to you

its too simple
this is too easy

Why was it so hard before?
And at night
we curl around each other and sleep

together,
breathing and smiling.

Pre Cambrian

There is an emptiness 6 years long
when I wallowed in the mire
when you lit a fire
1000 times over
One thousands time
your beautiful smile
over a thousand times
the colorful dresses
and tan skin
curly hair
short
straight
curly
I feel like i didnt exist
in those 6 years
and there is very little evidence
that i have existed since i was 14
and the 11 year break
from visibility
was exhausting.
And now im trying to hold on
trying to grab the hem of your garment,
save me
to bring me back to life.

The fog last night
was a soothing dream
muffling any human sounds
it was just me
and the chirping of crickets

we all sang the same song.

A laker loss

This is hard
beyond understanding
to the old me
the one who ached
for it so deeply

It must be pruned
it must be fed and dressed
and painful
It was said that every rose has it's thorn
but I say

Every thorn must break skin
to keep the rose so red with blood

And deep oxygen rich blood
the kind which runs out
like a well
gushing and life giving

You cut hard,
grating me
challenging me to leave
you fear my absence
and nearly push me away

You are the rose who does not sit idly
but shoots her thorns like arrows

But i wont let go
I can't.
It hurts
Im sorry
if it hurts you too

But every second is so worth it.

Wart

Warts
cover my hands
my finger tips
a dull pain

Scratchy, bloody
expanding cancers
they hurt
and never find relief

Mend the wounds
my secret
little wounds

At night
a cracking leaf is
a death sentence
so is the lingering stench
of cigarette butts

Put them out
hid them
my little warts
my little cancer

So many things to cover up
so hard to rid
for every one
i've killed
three more have taken root

Weeds
unwanted
unfair, and fair
consequences natural
and artificial

I have a hard time holding it in
the little tumors are building up
inside of me

I'm way beyond medicines
of a traditional sort

Stay quiet
for the day of reckoning approached

The little electric swirls
spinning violently in my sleep

The warts are but a visible tip
of a rotted iceberg

Flighty warm happiness in january

I heard a leaf
Scratch on pitted asphalt
On a thirsty
Night

Tonight and you were that leaf

My arms grab both of your sides
While the future
Embraces mine
Our lives scratching the ruble
As we are blown this way
And that.

Better to love you
Than pluck you from the branch
And I do
Despite my pruners
Gloves

You make me face the day

Sometimes I am impossible to find
I feel the urge
to shrink
to dissappear
like dust, i long for blissful
glide on sunbeams
but just out of sight

I feel your hand
And i still want you
but I dont want the hand

Sometimes I freeze myself in the mirror
and wonder what my body
looks like
underneath my body
like i'm in a shell
or a cocoon waiting
to step up into full
healthy maturity

I think to myself
some days it's better to stay in bed
than face the day
but since we've been together
i've faced everyday
regardless

You make me face the day
and I'm suffering
waiting for
my metamorphosis

You cascade around me like a pure stream
and face the day with me
And tomorrow
again.