Idly, i said i wanted my heart broken so i could lose weight through depression

Endless track.
Am I behind
or in front?

The pursuit
tightens
I feel the air
stirred

I can hear footsteps
I can feel
the warmth
of
possibility

I was not sure
if I was following you
or now
you me

and what it all meant.

Joy can be found
in knowing
and even more so
sometimes
in not.

Gift exchange

Beauty
oh faded red joy
Her legs were pointed
to the sky
toward heaven

Smooth
and tapered
running your hand up your thigh
speaking to me
as if it were nothing

It was nothing
but it was your gift to me

I sat across
bent somewhere above
the midpoint
sunken
sullen
not quite comfortable
trying to be unfazed
by the elegant display

I wanted to tell you
but I never will

that is my gift to you

Bunker hill and the music I can't hear

Rush of newness
of contact
of realizing early on
that she is most likely into
me

Of any flame at all
I think
This is happening to me
and what do I think?
at first

I feel tingle
excitement
I feel her eyes on me
and when I mention something
that she loves
I can see it in her eyes
the recognition
of compatibility

But it never lasts long
Like the tunnels under bunker hill
I enjoy them
maybe I even love them
But they are so short
and I can see the end before I even enter

I feel like it can never work
like i'm broken
like i'm meeting my soul mate in
multiple vessels
and I keep forcing them
out
of mind, of anything that would remotely
make either of us happy

There is always a melody on my mind
faint
less than negligibly audible
and I want it
I want it more than all the other songs
I'm already singing
the tunes I already know
the new ones I already like

I want what is plausibly deniable
but infinitely more desirable

The faintest, tired sweet harmony
in a dry summer breeze
I am chasing the ocean inside
of a sea shell
while ignoring the ivory margin before me

Love is
the glow
from a cheap firework
Brief and dull
smokey
and it seems so much
weaker
than it did last year

The park behind my first home

The bubble gum
eyeballs
of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
ice cream
from the ice cream
man

Was all anyone could ever dream of

I stared at the sticker
of an approximate copy
of the real thing
Like it was
a treasure map

"That one"

I said, staring up at the ice cream man

While the other kids around me shouted their orders
as well
He reached back
but stopped

"Oh he's not with us"

said the mother of the children I met at the park
She said it like
I was
trying to steal
but I was only confused

I was still very young
maybe 4 years old

we had played
with no problem
we would not eat ice cream
together

My skin flushed
I felt
embarrassed
apart
dejected

I felt,
different than all the other children

I ran
there was nothing else I could think to do
than get as far away from
it as possible

My mother sat under a tree on a blanket
tears ran down my cheek
The sun was lower in the sky
it must have been past
midday

That moment plays in my mind
every so often
ever since then

It was the smallest I felt when I was small
and sometimes
When I think I am apart of something
with somebody
and I realize they never saw me the same way

I am that little boy
again.

Staring contest

She had big blue eyes
Silver really
Staring at me

I thought,
"It's going to be less fun without you here"
And I blinked

She played with her hair
Red and frazzled
Grabbing a handful and hiding her
Freckled face

I had nothing to say
As usual
When it would have been
the most
advantageous

I wanted her to remember me
We'd only known each other
a short while
Just the summer
maybe half a summer

She was the reason I always showed up
these days
Her lilted dresses
Sometimes floral print

How would she remember me?

We stood outside and another said
it was time to go
And I think it could be the last time
for a while
Maybe forever
It's hard to say what things may happen

She hugged me
I hugged her and really held on because
I knew it might be the last real hug someone
Would give me, as well
I told her,
"It's going to be less fun without you here"
Just like I had said
in my mind

But it already sounded stale and rehearsed because
For me
It was the second time

I took your picture
To remember you by
And I'm writing this to do the same

To remember how I felt when
Summer 2010 had ended

I wish I could have said more
Your skin was soft and cold
I already miss that incidental
contact of brevity

We hugged again and you said
Goodbye if this is the last time
And I said nothing but uttered simple
Agreements

"I dont know when I'll see you again" she said

And then you were gone
And it was another Monday night in Eagle Rock
Nothing to be excited about.

Dismissive with a grin

People are rarely so obvious
to me
as when they are dismissive

A smile creeps accross their face
they stare directly into
my eyes
And every word they speak is
a patronizing lie

They breathe heavily through their nostrils
they are like statues
It is their poker stare

They say words like
"Definitely" and
phrases like "For Sure"
and they hang on the "r" sound for sooo
long

And there is never any reason too
we usually have only just met
or it is about more trivial
than trivial

I want to walk away from it
but I smile
and they smile
They know, that I know
they are forking their tongues
we each have each other figured out
but I'm the only one who isn't lying

Say what you mean to me
I promise I can handle it
no kid gloves
give my face a slap
strike me with everything you've got

Don't promise me water
and light my shoes on fire.

Heaven forgets hell

Do you ever wish that good bye
was something that only existed
in movies
And we'd laugh and be confused
because there has never been a
separation
from anything
or anyone
in our lives

And hello is where it stops and starts
There is no such thing as memory
because there is no need for it

We never lost touch
we continually experience anew

Maybe that's what heaven is like
Being with people you love
and never having to say goodbye

Is that what art is
is that why we can tear up
with sadness
Is that why I can feel lost
in a room full of people I know

Because an empty seat
is not the absence of a person
it is the reminder
of who should be there

I feel like I always end up
beside an empty seat
In the most crowded moments

Just being

Be smarter
More humble
More aware
less affected
and more grateful

The list grows larger
as the infractions queue

Head down to the sunset
to what has come and always has been

Listen for the secrets
in silence
they are more beautiful than all of creation
for they were there when there was nothing

I may never grasp eternity
in this life
But then I would never be able to see
the elegance of whats before me
now, then and in the future

I was given an affliction
the longing
so that I could move forward
not so
I would stop and watch

If what is desired
is stationary
then it cannot be helped but be left behind

and to just be

But that doesn't stop me from watching
it
until she falls beyond
my horizon

You're only what i see sometimes

All the summer sprinklers
glisten at night
she shines at night

She cannot see me through the shaded lenses
I can't see her light

Don't force it
ever don't
force it

but what will I miss, when I just want
a kiss
but that which is genuine

Wilting letters
there is no more beauty on this page
than in my mirror

But you echo like long delayed chord change
you miss the melody
but you are

And even scraping the bottom of the barrel
I see you'd been there too

There is a can of diet soda
shined and reflective of the computer screen
there is no more apt a description
of my blithe
post party
meanderings