Occupy thirty

When I think back on the past 12 years
to 18 when I felt compelled
to finally express
myself

I feel unfamiliarity
with the young kid
lying on the bed of a dorm room in
Wichita Falls
where my government appointed roommate and his friends
played rap music and left the lights on
as I sat there writing
furiously
into some letterhead with the Air Force insignia
that I purchased during basic training
to write to people
only to use it primarily to write to myself
exactly what I felt

What I felt about the girl who was at home
not waiting for me
because I never said anything to her
because I just couldn't speak

All i could do was feel that she wasn't there anymore and maybe wouldn't be
ever
and true to form when I returned home, my feelings were the only thing left
of whatever the last few months of high school with her had been

And the mire that I waded through for years afterward
trying to find myself in myself
working it out in private
working it out in silent public
jumping from one bright flame to another

I grew up, but lazily, I let time and opportunity
pass
afraid of what I wasn't
and what I looked like
or how I sounded
hoping and crushing and being crushed and losing hope
and still
trying to find myself as I approach another round number
while my friends say to each other "we're so old"
but I roll my eyes
because I don't agree with them
Its just something people say to help them cope with the loss
of whatever their dream was, I think

But I also wonder if it's because I'm bad at being an adult
and they're normal
or that I'm selfish - and I am -
and they aren't
or that normal things like houses
and savings and vacations to Cancun
not only sound impossible but in some ways
undesirable to me

I wonder if I'm just kidding myself
and rather accept my situation
I'm conducting my own pointless protest
like the militia in Oregon
basing my primary argument on
half truths and uninformed opinions
and my love of myself
and my friends all see me as one of those Bundy patriots
wearing a weird mix of camouflage, fake gas station bought Oakley sunglasses, cowboy hats
and NASCAR apparel.
A ridiculous caricature of the person I thought I wanted to be.

I run every other night around a dark path
and come home sweating
but I'm no better for it