Afraid of me

The eyes
sheepish, doggish
sluggish
of a worried face
expression says
"We're sorry"
body language leans away
nervous chuckle

The movement like a hyena
around a lion
tenuous
calculated
none too careful

I am the lion
but not the large maned
kings of the savannah
but the fringey
mangy
young lions
who wander aimlessly from carrion
to carrion

Rejection
like a scorched valley
black and brown
distraught and dissolute
They creep around me
hoping I wont come out of
a brooding daze
and charge
but anger is not
the unstable emotion
i feel

Embarrassment
For being what I am
for not being good enough
a pariah of the pride
without pride
a car salesman
worse

A cell phone salesman.

A cursed wanderer
"Where is my path?"
I have no help
no solace
not on this earth
and Coptic glyph, cryptic
advice from on high.

Unsure of each movement
unsure of each step
and everyone tip toes around me.

A voice crying out
in the wilderness
John the Baptist
of the Inland empire
Asphalt rivers
for renewal.

My head prepared
for the platter.

Buoyant

Your kind words
kiss my lips
like bleach laced
darts

They try to life me up
but grasp only lapels
and cuffs
removing my shirt
and leaving me bare

An ugly
unpolished
misshapen
very nearly unholy
ugly

too real for me to see
when i look in the mirror

18 was the last year
my confidence rose
through photograph

7 years
since i could say
I liked myself.

I feel alone
because nobody can relate to me
weakened by my distance
from ideal

If 18 were an oasis
i've walked through the desert
and am in a salt sea

desperate and hopeless

You hurt me when you try to help me
You love me but I despise me
I have let myself
and you down.

Weighted down by
disgusting bloat and waste

I deserve to drown
dragged through the abyss
by my excess mass

Instead I am made bouyant

Sitting on the surface incapable of overcoming
its tension.

not able to end
what little life
I feel i have.