In this case I am the party foul

A lot of confusion goes on
in a dark room with loud music

Like introduced names and hands extended
and girls with black
thick rimmed glasses

Waiting to be met

A whirlpool of sensuality
splashing water droplets in scattered directions
like so many missed connections
and the sticky floor from a forgotten
red cup

Lying on its side
bleeding out and ignored
Rocking slightly beneath the trample
of desperately sweaty bodies
and syncopated stiletto traffic

Those thick rimmed glasses bouncing up and down
bobbing like buoys
in a sea of smiling faces
and sometimes incoherent stares

From the shore I watched
the dancing white caps
and the floating spectacles seemed to watch me back

But I was not any closer
to knowing the eyes
behind the
lenses.

An insignificant transaction, ten minutes til close at Borders

To the girl with the boy cut at borders:

My friend thought you were into me
but I know better
you were just interested in my magazine

I know a burgeoning music lover
when I see one
The Beatles T-shirt gave you away

The Beatles are always the beginning

I wonder if you still think Eleanor Rigby
is the saddest song you'd ever heard
Or if you are searching for the one
that will really
affect you.

For me it was Julia

So you made conversation
like any good sales employee
and asked me about my purchase
and smiled
and listened to my answer

For a second I was a guru
to you
perhaps opening your eyes
to the next level
of euphonious euphoria

You had very pretty eyes by the way
they made good contact when
I was brave enough
to look up

And for some reason I remember your cold hands
when we made brief contact

The whole transaction
45 seconds
a minute tops

I paid with cash and never looked back
My friend was wrong
you weren't into me

But I think I might have been into you

I'm a sucker for girls with short haircuts
and black Beatles T's

To getting better from pneumonia

Illness like this
only exists
to make you appreciate feeling better

And a cold in your head
might make you feel dead
but pain is a good reminder that you are alive

Rest for a week
and long nights of sleep
are the cure for a number of things

Not the least of which is pneumonia

But a terrible poem
will hopefully incite a smile
or at least a roll of the eyes

In case they should be in short supply
during a proper recovery

I want to scream brood of vipers, if only I didnt slither myself

Hypocrites! Hypocrites!
the lot of you
Taking for granted
What I would have given anything for

Protecting your dysfunction
through a thin smattering of hearsay
and ignorance

Believing in your innocence
because deep down you don't want
to hear that people change

Because forgiveness would force you to look
at your festering flaws and sludgy hearts

Shrieking with glee
like a wild dog in bloodlust
tearing at flesh and driven insane with pure violence
while plasma showers all over

Howling
from a moral high ground
that is more like a pit of self assurance

Drinking and wasting your lives
Drinking and wasting
my time

You don't deserve to slander the name
Of something so God blessed
it makes us all feel God damned

The calming sound of rustling trees is a cliche for restless boredom

There are some days when you don't feel
the same species
as everyone
else.
And maybe it's nothing
really, its nothing
But it's in these awkward silences
that I see God
cause there isn't anyone else
who will look me in the eye
Everybody trying to get a better angle
of the world as a whole
"I'll see something you didn't,
right?"
Whether you care too much
or not at all
is not what defines happiness
In fact I find it to be more of a
barrier
Because on my best and worst days
I am my most insurmountable hindrance
to finding the deeper meaning
And these words.
These words are nothing more than
the swirling dust
on hot days
in dry places
that look like tornadoes when you're 5 years old.
When the only twister you've ever seen
was in The Wizard of Oz.
And now I wonder in my bed at night
If my major problems
are really tornadoes
or merely anomalies of unstable air
The devil
or a dust devil
And, perhaps, life as I now
know it
is not also a facsimile
of a 1930's
Judy Garland musical.

Last time I cried (short story)

The last time I cried, I mean really cried...

"I was about 16 years old," I said to my partner under the stars.

I adjusted my body on the blanket I set up in my truck bed for a midnight picnic. Placing my right hand along the side of my head to prop it up, I looked her right in the eyes.

"Really, you've never cried at all since then?"

I smiled a bit.

I loved it when she played sarcastic. But I wanted to continue my story because I knew she would care. That meant something to me.

"Maybe I've teared up at a sad news story or favorite part of a movie, but I'm talking about a complete release. The kind of crying that happens when sadness is the only thing on your mind, the only emotion you are capable of feeling. The kind of crying when you're torn away from something you love."

Her smirking face sobered.

In the dim glow of the waning moon, her brown hair sparkled like a 2 foot waterfall from a trickling brook.

"What made you cry, if you don't mind me asking?"

Her face was genuinely inquisitive. So I went further. Further maybe than I normally would have.

"Well, and this is gonna sound lame-"

She quickly interrupted.

"No Evan, I don't think you could cry for a lame reason."

I was taken back for a second. I wasn't used to believing somebody when they said a thing like that. But I believed her. I believed every word she ever said. It almost made me want to cry right there.

"Thanks for saying that but, the last time I cried was when I found out my cat died."

"Oh, that's so sweet." she told me with a tired smile on her face. The kind of smile that is sincere because exhaustion would not allow the wasted effort of false pretension. I loved tired smiles and for whatever reason that is what she gave me in this moment.

"Yeah, I was away for the weekend with some friends at the beach. At that age, I was finally being given the freedom to do things like that, you know? Anyway, it turned out to be a really hectic and strange time. A girl I thought I liked was there camping with us and I was doing all I could to stand out to her."

"What was her name?"

"The girl I liked?"

"Yes. Sorry if that is a weird question but I always love hearing the names of high school crushes, for some reason they are names that people only seem to have in high school."

I laughed. I knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Her name was Michelle Castaneda. I used to listen to the Beatles song Michelle and it would remind me of her. It still does actually."

"Oh, that's a pretty name. My first crush was Walter Doosenburg."

We both laughed.

"Doosenburg? That is definitely one of those high school names."

The night sky was an audience for our mirth. The infinite splendor of stars and the temporary glamor of the city below cheered as we two were as alone as happiness could permit.

"So you were out with your friends and then what?"

"Oh yeah. Well I was trying to coax Michelle into noticing me like I said and it ended up becoming a disaster. All of us were on the shore late at night we climbed up onto a lifeguard tower. On my way up I slipped and hit my leg on a protruding bolt or something. Long story short, I spent most of that night in the ER waiting to get stitches for what turned out to be a hole in my leg straight to the bone. Needless to say, things did not work out for me and Michelle that weekend."

She burst into laughter and tried to cover her mouth until her eyes watered.

"I'm so sorry Evan. I know it must have been terrible but it's just... so you. Go on, please."

I grinned.

"Right. So after that debacle I got home and I found out that my cat was killed by coyotes. I just burst into tears, absolutely uncontrollable. I felt a real loss. Which sounds so dumb because people lose family and friends every day, but I think when that cat died, I felt a void more real than the chunk of flesh I left at the lifeguard tower. And that was the last time I cried."

"Awww Evan. That is so sad, really I'm close to crying myself. And its nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody can tell you what to love. And losing that thing will always cause you to wince in pain. Its an equal action reaction response. It's not pathetic that you cried over your cat, it's logical."

She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. She was such a good friend. I felt guilty for wanting to kiss her back.

"You are so amazing to me when you don't have to be, you know that?"

She looked away for a second and I felt embarassed.

"Uhh, but I think it bothers me that I cried for my cat because there is another reason I cried then and haven't cried since."

"What is that?"

"I think it's because since then I haven't really loved anyone. Well, I love my family but its different. I mean people you develop love for. It's like I've been alone since then and sort of distant enough from people to not have that reaction. And it hasn't been only my decision. I don't think anybody has loved me enough either. It's hard to explain but I just can't cry about anyone anymore. It's a numbing experience to be alone."

The wind tussled the leaves in the canopy above us like ominous applause and for ten minutes after that we lay there in silence.

Shakey goes an earthquake

I-slip-down-in-to-the-sofa
seat
and-sulk-and-sink-be-low-their-field-of
view
A-girl-walks-past-as-I-try-to-blend-and
disappear
The-less-she-sees-the-less-I-have-to
hide

But

The-more-I-do-this-the-more-I-feel-like-I'm
alone
It's-hard-to-meet-new-pe-ople
when
I'd-ra-ther-in-tro-duce-them-to-some-one
else

Being blasted by wind during sunset on the jetty is like watching the world end

The sun looked a nuclear explosion as the sand blurred past my feet
stinging my face and covering the ground like a fog in the color of my skin
I stood looking at the future
an outline of mountains I could barely make out
and the expanse of ocean separating me from it
And she sees the same thing I think

Here we are
Two tiny sea turtles
Staring at the waves curling like a clenching fist
And the dark blue waters are deep and unpredictable

We want so badly to leave behind this beach
But with every step I take toward the receding foam
my toes tense and grip the soil
They don't want to leave the comfort of solid ground

Not because I'll miss it
But because I'm afraid I might drown by myself
And she is quite the opposite
Not fearing the journey
But of leaving everything behind

So instead we are idle
Wishing upon wishing
that the goal were only a bit easier to see
That I had someone to go with me
That she could abandon hers

I look over and I can see she remembers the time she swam far out
close enough to see her destination
and perhaps it scared her
I remember the time I waded farther, then farther
but when my feet could no longer touch the ground I panicked

When we returned home
our insides felt sick
because we could not belong here anymore
Instead, our hearts were left at the apex of our aborted attempts

Time forgets failure and I've had plenty of it

I know that staying wont bring me the help I want
and maybe her desire will mature into resolve

The ocean is ever in motion and the mountains are always obscured
It is not about waiting for the right time anymore
But taking a chance on ourselves

The Real in Us Is Silent: Last night in first person

Axl Rose and JD Salinger

An orange red horse
and familiar mustard font
bled all over my shirt

"Is that Catcher in the Rye"

I nodded yes
He shifted his legs
Trying not to sink into the couch

He asked where I got it
I told him
And what was once admiration
was now condemnation

He sat up and preached at me
like fiery John the Baptist
"How many times have you even read it?" he accused

I lied but only a little
And he, like Caulfield, thought his gray hair fooled me

But I know I'm not a phony
He likes Axl Rose and I like JD Salinger

I would never ask him
how many times
he'd been to Paradise City


The Angel of Redlands

I sat in a too deep dining room chair
drinking a warm Corona
and asking myself
why bother?
I don't even like beer cold

Katy Perry was dancing
Like a fool
In front of what seemed to be
A heavily sedated crowd

Why don't they just broadcast the Ball Drop
and spare the "live" performances
of whoever was on the iTunes top 10
in September when they planned this debacle

"Hey guys, what-is-up?"
A not so eager voice
From a not so familiar face

I felt sorry she was dragged into this gathering of life long friends
"The plan is to get wasted and crash here"

My pity eased a bit

She is from Redlands right?
She works as a vet technician
I jokingly mistake it as a veterans technician

She casts the comment aside and makes a smart remark
like the joke was on me

I found it funnier now
than had she detected my sarcasm

She went on explaining her life

Uh huh, Uh huh, Uh huh
Uh huh, Uh huh, Uh huh...

Roughly translated
that was "I don't care"
six times in succession

She left us alone
and me to my cynical observation

Back to the brown couch where she made out like drunk people do
Unabashedly open and embarrassingly unaware
It looked to me like two sucker fish
With mouths agape smashing into one another


Before I left home

It was near 930
I lay in bed by the light of my desk lamp
Reading my new Bukowski book
and debating with myself what I should do for New Years

I think that was the most enjoyable part of the night.