A Ralphs Among Whole Foods

When I catch my reflection in a dirty mirror
and see that I am not the same
as them
I get sick
and break out into a cold sweat
harassed by the noise
by the image of the guy who is talking

He has straight, combed hair
he had a new orleans themed wedding

I miss hear what he says to me
and I blurt out Anaheim
and say it again

And then I understand my mistake

But the whole while
I think how we aren't really all that alike

He looks like a normal, clean
healthy man
and I am sweaty
and balding

and my hair is frizzy and curly and thin
and my face is bloated and red and dirty
My blood is confused
and lost

I look around the table
and I don't belong
I look around the bar
and I realize that I don't belong

I avoid looking at myself in the mirror
I avoid looking at all the people who are not like me
though

I want to be clear that they are not wrong
and that I am

Though in my head I know
that they are closer to what i'd want to be than I care to admit

We drive home and talk
and I think about my reflection in the mirror
I feel shaky
and sick still and I miss the onramp

I think about my reflection

I think about buying a package of Kraft Singles from a Ralphs around the corner from my house
and wonder if whole foods is secretly a subsidiary of Kraft Foods
marketing to the healthy sect
of society

From head on, i don't hate myself
From the side I nearly die

The time is coming when I will have to become my best self
to give up the Kraft Singles
and beer
and Lays Vinegar and Sea Salt potato chips

and eat a plain salad
and go to the gym
and get a haircut

But even with all these changes
I will still be an alien
masquerading as a normal human male

This was a better night than most
though

There is a video of Sufjan Stevens playing a banjo on a fence on what looks like a farm
and in my heart
I wish it was me

Breaking the silence

when you sit alone
smoking a cigarette
knowing that these things can't go on forever
and the helicopter flies over
shining its light

and two police cars speed up behind you
or pull up to look at my face
when i'm running around the block

when these things happen
you know that change is coming

that it must come

When the world is full of hate
and it seems like nobody knows
what to do

when God is watching
everyone play god
and the people who have no god
are playing god

and the people with guns are speaking for god
and the people with pens are mocking the idea of god
and the people with pens
are writing legislation for god

and the people who don't participate are watching it all
happen on TV
or reading it on reddit

when these things happen
the only truly right thing to do is
stay still
and silent

and sit alone
and watch the helicopter and cars pass you by
while you smoke a cigarette
knowing that this all cannot last

like this