It doesnt feel like betrayal anymore

Warm and silent
as close as possible
water on the windows cover us up
and I grabbed her
held her firm
and as close
as I could

I wasn't crying
but the sweat on
my brow
may as well
have been tears

We don't know what
we're doing
and I don't know
to what end

But it doesn't feel like betrayal anymore
and I like that

Stronger swimmer

It's good to be a strong
swimmer
And it was so difficult
because I was always
drowning

My limbs thrashed
into cool liquid
trying to keep my head above water
so I could just
talk

Salt water rushing up my nose
and filling my mouth
that horrible salt
burning my eyes

I could have been better maybe
but everyone seemed to swim away
farther than I was ready
and I wanted call out
"Slow Down!"
but the thunderous water, pummeling the beach
the commotion of so many people;
sound at the beach just gets
lost

And my toes could barely feel the topmost layer of sand
the most unstable base
I wonder what I could have done
if I'd ever been able
to set my feet


Eventually I'll get out of the ocean
i've already taken some steps toward the beach
to the sticky moist sand
and then fiery
dry which isn't kissed by the tide
to towel off

and don't you know
that when you dry yourself off at the beach
you've conceded victory
to the ocean.

All I will be able to do is watch
and let the sun
beat my shoulders

I could've gone 3 more minutes

Losing a ball over the fence
with a snarling dog
sends chills
down 10 year old spines

but without the ball there is
no fun

You are on the the other side
of the fence
And I think you don't want me to come over

but without a ball there is
no fun

When will 10 and 24 year old's alike
realize
that fences
and snarling dogs
are not challenges

but clear signs,
meant to keep us out?

There were feathers all over the lawn

One time
I watched my cat
capture
a pigeon

He immediately pounced
on the bird
taken over by a blood lust

The next day
there were feathers
all over the lawn

I loved my cat
but I felt bad
about the doomed bird

I think before the poor thing
had its life drained out
of the gushing wounds
it,
well that is I think
it fell in love
with my cat.

The pigeon's face
was flush
and peaceful
eyes half closed
and would not break gaze
with its assailant's face

It was a horror
to behold
and though the cat felt no guilt
I did.

Now the feathers are gone
and so is my cat
I am alone
in my
guilt.

With reluctance, being realistic

Everything had a beginning
the universe and time
and matter
the opposite of matter
all began
even if it feels like there was nothing before

There was a time before I liked her
before the massive explosion
since then
since time began

And we try to understand everything
that happened since the beginning
it's so difficult
to have perspective

The smartest men
have wrestled with the concept of origin
of there being a starting line
even if it felt like an infinite time
ago

And in my case
much less than forever
yet still so lacking in perspective

I remember when it was just you
just another girl
but the end
is certain and firm
it will come

Maybe that's why we struggle with
the beginning
it forces
us to accept the end
when all things will break apart
will spiral out of control and
go cold

I heard a science program say
the end of the universe will
be a cold and dark time
like as such as has never been known
except before the beginning

It seemed so far away
but someday
maybe
someone will have to come to terms with it

And with her, I don't have that luxury
I will watch
the sun and galaxy
dim
and cool

I will see the end
because I saw the beginning
I remember what you were like before
and will once again be

Two minds, one for who wont have me and not having the one who will

Don't share what should be only
yours
with me
with anyone else
but especially
not with me

I can't handle it.

I become a predator
playing with its food
or a dog
eating when it is full

I don't deserve any attention
when I can't give you
affection
in return

Selfish is a good word
self serving
throughout
I want to give
but not to you
so for now I cannot take

I'll just destroy you
or bury you

I am the grim reaper
of heartfelt gestures
death become
decadent.

The one who deserves is rarely the one who receives.
It was a gloomy afternoon and I saw groups of people crossing the street while i tried to make a U-turn in my truck
Instead I road into a parking lot and turned around. I scuffed a car mirror with my own and left it there. This was all because,
I had someone else on my mind.

People sitting in the shade

It has to be okay
I thought
sweating
pulling my dry
hair through my fingers
knotted and gross
from sand
and sun
blasting

A kid and his girlfriend
ran up
drunk and young
living a song
but also just acting
doing what they think
they should
making the wrong decisions
for the sake
of someone else's
wrong decisions

So young
so purposely lost
in an age where it is so hard
to be lost
by accident

The gas station employees
must stair at their
dusty maps
longingly
because nobody ever stops
to ask for direction

The two kids
in love
will not be who they are today
in 3 years time
I'd bet they wont even know each other

But a part of me
envied them

I looked at people
sitting in the shade
and I thought of you