Wedding Bells Part 1

The Anaheim hills were especially dry as we drove through a suburban neighborhood off the 55 freeway. Winding through one housing development after another, trying to find this park nestled somewhere between the grocery stores and Circle K's.

"We're gonna be late," said my mom in an accusing tone I'd come to know as love. "I told you we should have left before the the golf match ended."

My dad ignored her as he frantically searched for Linden Park. It was so hot outside I couldn't even lean my head against the rear window without getting burned. A little readout on the dashboard said it was a stifling 97 degrees. A great day to go swimming at a pool or the beach, not so great a day for an afternoon outdoor wedding.

My collar choked me as I struggled to feel comfortable in drab dress pants and a button up shirt. My brother sat opposite me, equally uncomfortable, equally annoyed. I hoped we'd never find the park. At least in the car there was air conditioning and my mp3 player. Outside my window was the anticipation of a purely miserable hour and a half.

I imagined what awaited me. The intense heat beating down on my tie noosed neck, all the hot air building up. My brow and arms so sweaty it was like sitting in a self contained sauna. Long drawn out vows, outdated rituals, and hundreds of people I don't know and probably wouldn't care too. And to top it off I'm supposed to be happy that I'm watching a grown man cry as he walks his daughter down the aisle to a guy who in just a few short hours will be having sex with said daughter. How messed up is that. Even the Japanese didn't surrender until until they got nuked twice and i'm pretty sure we didnt sink the ship they surrendered on.

"John, there it is! Hurry up and find parking it looks like they've started the ceremony," she barked as my father skidded into a stall like Jason Statham in every movie he's ever done.

"Grab the present Evan, quit dragging your feet" my father commanded. If I was dragging my feet it was only because they were were melted into the asphalt.

The ceremony began ten minutes after we arrived, much to the chagrin of my now haggard looking parents and everyone else who were fanning themselves with the program. On stage at the front stood a nervously smiling guy about my age. Actually younger than me by a year. We went to school and church together for a long time. His mom and my mom were friends, and that is how we ended up at the wedding of a person I haven't seen in 7 years.

I always disliked the waiting portion of the wedding and how it was so built up for the bride. The groom had to stand in front of everyone grinning like an idiot until the bride finally got her act together and the music played and a parade like procession accompanied her. I mean, standing up for the bride? Should we lay down palm branches too? I wonder what would happen if I touched hem of her garment.

His name was Jeremy. His eyes darted back and forth from the pastor to his parents. He beamed with happiness.

The music started. The wedding party walked the aisle in the first official joining of their two lives. His friends hand in hand with her friends. She walked out behind them with her father, who was not crying but smiling himself. We stood and though the bride was stunning in her gown I mostly watched Jeremy's face. He was glowing with a strange mixture of what looked like pride and relief. His eyes welled up a bit and I got the feeling that the heat of this early summer like day was lost on him.

After they were pronounced man and wife the party moved indoors where we were thankfully in the comfort of air conditioning and live music. Now I was happy. Plus there were always attractive girls at weddings. Who knew what was going to happen once I loosened that tie.

Bored Games

Scattergories.

Roll the dice
Watch that baby bounce
W.
What a crappy letter
Why W
Where is the timer

Two minutes
timer set to go
and go

Tropical cities
Waikiki of course
but everyone will put that
but I cant think of anything else

Skip for later

Boys names
Walter, no
Walrus, the guy who looks like a walrus
Wilford Brimley
How old is that guy anyways?

Yikes! the timer is still running

Superheroes,
W, W, W, W,
Why can't I think of one?

Look at everyone else
they're all writing
peeking at the person next to me does no good
She is so close though

Her arm feels really soft
incredibly so
I like it
I don't like her like that
just the touch

Her arm over my arm
It's so different
At least I can enjoy it for a moment

A moment
How much tim...
"Times Up!"
Wonder Woman
How did I not think of that before?
It would have been a double score

I only have a couple usable answers
and a lingering suspicion that I'm a bit lonely tonight
Roll the dice again
Who can say what letter we land on next?

Second hand smoking

"There is no love
only hate"
the talking head on stage repeated
for what value I don't know
Maybe he felt it was a revelation
one humanity had yet to realize

But in that moment
I knew
I never once
had an outlook so bleak as that

The glittery curtains of this hipster ballroom
wrap the crowd in spacey glow
And in the smokey room I sat
alone
peering through the nicotine haze

Giant saucers above my head
collect all the sounds in the room
like I was listening in on a hundred
phone conversations
all at once

So I sat and watched
because what else would I do in that situation

When you are alone in a room full of people who aren't
It feels more empty
than my Saturday night
Like despite all this life around me
I could not be part of it
but merely an observer

I told myself this is possibly what the future holds for me
A seat to one side
of a vanilla colored couch
inhaling smoke and conversation
from other peoples lungs

Which sounds dire
But never once would I believe there is no love in this world
How could I
When it was obvious as the cigarette cloud around me
I could breathe deep and choke on other peoples romance

Second hand love
Everybody tells me it's a killer
But what good is second hand knowledge anyhow

I'd just as soon smoke myself to cancer
than listen to those terminal cases

Letting it be ( short story)

I was reading Bukowski and part of of his poem would not leave my mind

I do not want to love you
I do not want to save you
I do not want your arms
I do not want your shoulders
I have me
you have you
Let that be.

***

"Evan I'm seeing someone, I just thought I'd let you know."

Adele's voice echoed in my head. This was it, you know. The ultimatum, the relationship, the end of torture really. It was always going to end this way. I was not myself anymore since I met her. I could not be and that was not something you could build a relationship on.

But that didn't lessen the blow. It still hurt. And not just emotionally, I felt it physically too. All throughout my body I felt soreness. My stomach dropped, I wasn't hungry. My being ached like it hadn't in a while.

"Ok Adele, that's great you sound happy..."

And it just came out, all the appropriate mature things I'm supposed to say. It felt like stabbing myself in the soft part of my temple. I was so low already, I didn't know where to go from there. There was no anger in my heart towards her, how could there be. I didn't even feel sore towards whoever she was now with. I wasn't even mad at myself. I was just there.

Numb all over like I wasn't breathing. Like I was drowning but accepting it. I had no desire, no drive, no sadness, no fear, nothing.

We hugged and I walked out the door, into the warmth of daylight but it was lost on me. I always thought I might cry if it ever came to this, but no tears came.

I was just alone.

Love was never a risk worth taking. Not when I knew it would always end like this. Or I should say, what I thought was love would always end like this. In my heart I knew that what attraction I had for Adele, no matter how insatiable it seemed, was not real love.

It was the absence of it. It was like starving. It was like a mouth watering off of the smell of a meal alone. I didn't know what I sought but I knew I wanted it badly.

I thought back to a conversation I had with Eleanor almost a year before.


"What does being in love mean to you?" I asked her half jokingly.

But she took it quite seriously.

"Depends which kind... if we're talking about the love for people, I believe it means to be willing to do anything for that person without selfish intentions and to show your love to them. As far as romantic love... Loving someone would be when you cant stop thinking about them and love them despite their mistakes because they're that worth it."

I looked at her and knew that somewhere in that definition she probably had me in mind.

"What about you?" she asked.

So I thought. I thought beyond all I knew about love and what I had experienced so far, because I recognized that it was not really love at all. Finally I answered her.

"Love is... watching someone die," I joked, quoting a Death Cab song.

"No come on, you can't just quote," she said a little annoyed but smiling. I stopped smiling and gave her my real answer.

"Romantic love, is knowing someone as completely as they'll let you and them knowing you as much as they are willing to learn and knowing that if nothing else you were completely yourself with one person in your lifetime. To me anyways."

That was the most honest I ever was to myself or anyone else about love.


So maybe love was worth taking risks for, I didn't know. But the hunger for it was all the same. Whether you had it or not, there was no hope, there was no reason to fight.

And so I continued to walk, walk, walk away. Back to my car, expressionless and silent.

I didn't listen to music cause I wanted no consoling. I felt nothing. Like nothing. And I wondered how long it would be before my mouth watered again. Sometimes it took years. Would I even care by that time? Tomorrow was my birthday and I did not care.

April Showers

Cloudy skies you rolled in so suddenly
so subtly
The streets are filled with your tears
but you always move on
The wisdom of a cloud is her ability
to slowly roll away
Rain then shine
April showers and May flowers

I'd cry too
to see you go
But not move on
forgetting upon forgetting
I'm not sure we ever do
or want to
Clinging to the clouds as they slip through our fingers
like the vaporous mist she always was
leaving us with cold hands
desperately seeking something to hold on to

She rests for now
nestled happily against the mountains
And I ceased caring
and began pressing on
Indifference is only fair at this point
There is too little time to waste with our head in the clouds

We are nothing like a storm
because if I were weather
the plants and animals would have withered long ago
Not enough shine, not enough warmth
There would be no spring

Most things
are better left
out of my
control.