With reluctance, being realistic

Everything had a beginning
the universe and time
and matter
the opposite of matter
all began
even if it feels like there was nothing before

There was a time before I liked her
before the massive explosion
since then
since time began

And we try to understand everything
that happened since the beginning
it's so difficult
to have perspective

The smartest men
have wrestled with the concept of origin
of there being a starting line
even if it felt like an infinite time
ago

And in my case
much less than forever
yet still so lacking in perspective

I remember when it was just you
just another girl
but the end
is certain and firm
it will come

Maybe that's why we struggle with
the beginning
it forces
us to accept the end
when all things will break apart
will spiral out of control and
go cold

I heard a science program say
the end of the universe will
be a cold and dark time
like as such as has never been known
except before the beginning

It seemed so far away
but someday
maybe
someone will have to come to terms with it

And with her, I don't have that luxury
I will watch
the sun and galaxy
dim
and cool

I will see the end
because I saw the beginning
I remember what you were like before
and will once again be

Two minds, one for who wont have me and not having the one who will

Don't share what should be only
yours
with me
with anyone else
but especially
not with me

I can't handle it.

I become a predator
playing with its food
or a dog
eating when it is full

I don't deserve any attention
when I can't give you
affection
in return

Selfish is a good word
self serving
throughout
I want to give
but not to you
so for now I cannot take

I'll just destroy you
or bury you

I am the grim reaper
of heartfelt gestures
death become
decadent.

The one who deserves is rarely the one who receives.
It was a gloomy afternoon and I saw groups of people crossing the street while i tried to make a U-turn in my truck
Instead I road into a parking lot and turned around. I scuffed a car mirror with my own and left it there. This was all because,
I had someone else on my mind.

People sitting in the shade

It has to be okay
I thought
sweating
pulling my dry
hair through my fingers
knotted and gross
from sand
and sun
blasting

A kid and his girlfriend
ran up
drunk and young
living a song
but also just acting
doing what they think
they should
making the wrong decisions
for the sake
of someone else's
wrong decisions

So young
so purposely lost
in an age where it is so hard
to be lost
by accident

The gas station employees
must stair at their
dusty maps
longingly
because nobody ever stops
to ask for direction

The two kids
in love
will not be who they are today
in 3 years time
I'd bet they wont even know each other

But a part of me
envied them

I looked at people
sitting in the shade
and I thought of you

Idly, i said i wanted my heart broken so i could lose weight through depression

Endless track.
Am I behind
or in front?

The pursuit
tightens
I feel the air
stirred

I can hear footsteps
I can feel
the warmth
of
possibility

I was not sure
if I was following you
or now
you me

and what it all meant.

Joy can be found
in knowing
and even more so
sometimes
in not.

Gift exchange

Beauty
oh faded red joy
Her legs were pointed
to the sky
toward heaven

Smooth
and tapered
running your hand up your thigh
speaking to me
as if it were nothing

It was nothing
but it was your gift to me

I sat across
bent somewhere above
the midpoint
sunken
sullen
not quite comfortable
trying to be unfazed
by the elegant display

I wanted to tell you
but I never will

that is my gift to you

Bunker hill and the music I can't hear

Rush of newness
of contact
of realizing early on
that she is most likely into
me

Of any flame at all
I think
This is happening to me
and what do I think?
at first

I feel tingle
excitement
I feel her eyes on me
and when I mention something
that she loves
I can see it in her eyes
the recognition
of compatibility

But it never lasts long
Like the tunnels under bunker hill
I enjoy them
maybe I even love them
But they are so short
and I can see the end before I even enter

I feel like it can never work
like i'm broken
like i'm meeting my soul mate in
multiple vessels
and I keep forcing them
out
of mind, of anything that would remotely
make either of us happy

There is always a melody on my mind
faint
less than negligibly audible
and I want it
I want it more than all the other songs
I'm already singing
the tunes I already know
the new ones I already like

I want what is plausibly deniable
but infinitely more desirable

The faintest, tired sweet harmony
in a dry summer breeze
I am chasing the ocean inside
of a sea shell
while ignoring the ivory margin before me

Love is
the glow
from a cheap firework
Brief and dull
smokey
and it seems so much
weaker
than it did last year

The park behind my first home

The bubble gum
eyeballs
of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
ice cream
from the ice cream
man

Was all anyone could ever dream of

I stared at the sticker
of an approximate copy
of the real thing
Like it was
a treasure map

"That one"

I said, staring up at the ice cream man

While the other kids around me shouted their orders
as well
He reached back
but stopped

"Oh he's not with us"

said the mother of the children I met at the park
She said it like
I was
trying to steal
but I was only confused

I was still very young
maybe 4 years old

we had played
with no problem
we would not eat ice cream
together

My skin flushed
I felt
embarrassed
apart
dejected

I felt,
different than all the other children

I ran
there was nothing else I could think to do
than get as far away from
it as possible

My mother sat under a tree on a blanket
tears ran down my cheek
The sun was lower in the sky
it must have been past
midday

That moment plays in my mind
every so often
ever since then

It was the smallest I felt when I was small
and sometimes
When I think I am apart of something
with somebody
and I realize they never saw me the same way

I am that little boy
again.

Staring contest

She had big blue eyes
Silver really
Staring at me

I thought,
"It's going to be less fun without you here"
And I blinked

She played with her hair
Red and frazzled
Grabbing a handful and hiding her
Freckled face

I had nothing to say
As usual
When it would have been
the most
advantageous

I wanted her to remember me
We'd only known each other
a short while
Just the summer
maybe half a summer

She was the reason I always showed up
these days
Her lilted dresses
Sometimes floral print

How would she remember me?

We stood outside and another said
it was time to go
And I think it could be the last time
for a while
Maybe forever
It's hard to say what things may happen

She hugged me
I hugged her and really held on because
I knew it might be the last real hug someone
Would give me, as well
I told her,
"It's going to be less fun without you here"
Just like I had said
in my mind

But it already sounded stale and rehearsed because
For me
It was the second time

I took your picture
To remember you by
And I'm writing this to do the same

To remember how I felt when
Summer 2010 had ended

I wish I could have said more
Your skin was soft and cold
I already miss that incidental
contact of brevity

We hugged again and you said
Goodbye if this is the last time
And I said nothing but uttered simple
Agreements

"I dont know when I'll see you again" she said

And then you were gone
And it was another Monday night in Eagle Rock
Nothing to be excited about.

Dismissive with a grin

People are rarely so obvious
to me
as when they are dismissive

A smile creeps accross their face
they stare directly into
my eyes
And every word they speak is
a patronizing lie

They breathe heavily through their nostrils
they are like statues
It is their poker stare

They say words like
"Definitely" and
phrases like "For Sure"
and they hang on the "r" sound for sooo
long

And there is never any reason too
we usually have only just met
or it is about more trivial
than trivial

I want to walk away from it
but I smile
and they smile
They know, that I know
they are forking their tongues
we each have each other figured out
but I'm the only one who isn't lying

Say what you mean to me
I promise I can handle it
no kid gloves
give my face a slap
strike me with everything you've got

Don't promise me water
and light my shoes on fire.

Heaven forgets hell

Do you ever wish that good bye
was something that only existed
in movies
And we'd laugh and be confused
because there has never been a
separation
from anything
or anyone
in our lives

And hello is where it stops and starts
There is no such thing as memory
because there is no need for it

We never lost touch
we continually experience anew

Maybe that's what heaven is like
Being with people you love
and never having to say goodbye

Is that what art is
is that why we can tear up
with sadness
Is that why I can feel lost
in a room full of people I know

Because an empty seat
is not the absence of a person
it is the reminder
of who should be there

I feel like I always end up
beside an empty seat
In the most crowded moments

Just being

Be smarter
More humble
More aware
less affected
and more grateful

The list grows larger
as the infractions queue

Head down to the sunset
to what has come and always has been

Listen for the secrets
in silence
they are more beautiful than all of creation
for they were there when there was nothing

I may never grasp eternity
in this life
But then I would never be able to see
the elegance of whats before me
now, then and in the future

I was given an affliction
the longing
so that I could move forward
not so
I would stop and watch

If what is desired
is stationary
then it cannot be helped but be left behind

and to just be

But that doesn't stop me from watching
it
until she falls beyond
my horizon

You're only what i see sometimes

All the summer sprinklers
glisten at night
she shines at night

She cannot see me through the shaded lenses
I can't see her light

Don't force it
ever don't
force it

but what will I miss, when I just want
a kiss
but that which is genuine

Wilting letters
there is no more beauty on this page
than in my mirror

But you echo like long delayed chord change
you miss the melody
but you are

And even scraping the bottom of the barrel
I see you'd been there too

There is a can of diet soda
shined and reflective of the computer screen
there is no more apt a description
of my blithe
post party
meanderings

Okay ok OK

New week
I am smiling

The air was cool
and slightly humid

My truck wouldnt turn over
I needed three jumpstarts

It might not start again
I may need a new battery

But that's okay
Sometimes, things are okay

I had a lot of fun
with some good friends

That's something that's okay too
It's better to enjoy something

than grumble and worry
about never having it again

We sat on the brick steps outside my house
well, you sat

and I laid on the concrete driveway staring up at the stars
supporting my head
with my arms

I looked at one star and spoke my mind
I don't know if you listened
we are friends
maybe it doesn't matter

I felt relaxed and okay
I hope this carries into another day
when I don't have the light of another solar system
to calm me

And while the drives never got shorter
they do seem more productive

A city

You are no closer to me,
But I appreciate you more each day

Kind of a drag

The faceless one
in a sea of faces
not a riddle
but the commentary
on a year and a half
in the life

Can I call it that?

I am two short words in a list
without title adorned

Has everything I thought I accomplished
really just been appeasement?

Rather than ask myself
what i'm capable of
i'd rather have another cigarette

At least in those 3 minutes
a drag
feels good

Dog barking, phone ringing, weightless afternoon

The ocean is too big
overwhelming
rolling membrane
breaking and reforming
No one to see
for miles

Clear by the molecule
and blue as a whole
deep blue as depth grows
and I am there alone
attatched to nothing

Trying to rest
but I find none

Buoys, splash bye
and I hear them lapping
slowly
but infinitely elusive

and the space is ten feet or light years
it doesn't make a difference
I am without anchor

Without something solid
surrounded by liquid
softening my skin
pruning my finger tips
swelling my body
as it breaks down

The ocean forgave some
it can't bear to look
my way
Even a circling shark would be a welcome
friend in troubling seas
but it's just empty

The brine dries my skin
but moistens my eyes
as salt rejoins salt

I know some who sit on islands
who are grounded
who will take risks because they can always go home

But night and day are only separated by the horizon
and time flows in and out
as muscles atrophy
and lactic acid builds up
locking me
holding me
but not tethering me

A phone rang long
electronic malfunction

7 days 7 days 7 days

Yawn yawn
a new week
the same week

the week of waiting for a week to go by

A week of promises and broken promises
of possible interest
and definite disinterest

A week where I stare at the same names
and wait

And think to myself, where is the satisfying
pop!

Where is the bubble
of realization
and I think in the back of my head

Does she read this stuff?
and how must she feel about it?
Disgusted
Appalled
Amused?
Sympathetic
Apathetic
Confirmed
or Angry

I can't think about those things though
for risking too much self awareness on too many layers

It would hurt my head
not just my heart

Sorry for this,
But I honestly need people like you
to be my muse
even if it leaves
you bemused

So a week
again a week
7 Days to get it straight
to make a change
What will I be thinking when the next 7
approach?

Water fowl

Why am I so angry
so frustrated
all the time?

This isn't me
I'm not prone to anger

What happened to
the bright eyed wonder
I used to posess
When does knowledge I sought
become I knowledge i regret

When was the moment that
the forbidden fruit tasted bitter
was it on first bite?
Or was it after they'd reached the core?

There comes a point when water rolling off a ducks back
prevents water from reaching the fowl's mouth

I want to be happy and feel things
but blocking out the bad
seems to have taken the good with it

I want to feel
anything

Nothing with no one

The asphalt is so hot
this time of year
on my bare soles

Bare soul

borne solely on Friday afternoons
and the water feels good
and warm, like the comforting
brush of another person

Excuse me for being blunt
I know you don't like me
like that
sometimes i think you can barely stand me
I'm dull
compared to your real friends
I'm young, probably naive

Just a swimmer in a kiddie pool
while you sit with the adults in the spa

I love the water
holding my breath, listening to my own heart pump

I love sitting motionless at the bottom
eeking out every last bit of oxygen from spent lungs

I love the way the sun feels on my skin
because I was made for it
God made me for the sun

Not you, I guess
Even a beautiful day
is grotesque when i think about that

I'd rather do nothing with somebody
than something with nobody

It's too easy to die

If it's all in my head
then why is it so tangible to me

Why would a movie become
reality
if you really want it
feverishly

Why do mountains peak so suddenly
and drop off with more so aplomb

the journey to the top is riddled with difficulties
but its the effortless free-fall that
always kills you

And it's so easy to just die

There is a space that I wished to cross
looking at you mere feet away
seeing your pointed shoes
capping stocking stemmed
legs

I can't imagine a more simultaneously hopeful
and torturous situation
beyond which I have no vision
and behind which I have no cares

All I can see now
was happening right then

Coaster Album

You are the inexplicable draw
of the water pulling feet through sand
at the beach

I sink as you wash over me,
I marvel at the movement of my
toes transferred to the surface

The sun blasts me in the face
the wind seems to come from it

I stand unashamed
but only of my form

You are the bright explosions on the 5th of July
not the 4th

You are more special than that
because I saw you then
and not when everyone else did

You face down on the table
laughing
Is the absolute best thing
I take it in,
what I inadvertently triggered

And still this morning it's all I could think about
nothing happened

and it's all I can think about