Kind of a drag

The faceless one
in a sea of faces
not a riddle
but the commentary
on a year and a half
in the life

Can I call it that?

I am two short words in a list
without title adorned

Has everything I thought I accomplished
really just been appeasement?

Rather than ask myself
what i'm capable of
i'd rather have another cigarette

At least in those 3 minutes
a drag
feels good

Dog barking, phone ringing, weightless afternoon

The ocean is too big
overwhelming
rolling membrane
breaking and reforming
No one to see
for miles

Clear by the molecule
and blue as a whole
deep blue as depth grows
and I am there alone
attatched to nothing

Trying to rest
but I find none

Buoys, splash bye
and I hear them lapping
slowly
but infinitely elusive

and the space is ten feet or light years
it doesn't make a difference
I am without anchor

Without something solid
surrounded by liquid
softening my skin
pruning my finger tips
swelling my body
as it breaks down

The ocean forgave some
it can't bear to look
my way
Even a circling shark would be a welcome
friend in troubling seas
but it's just empty

The brine dries my skin
but moistens my eyes
as salt rejoins salt

I know some who sit on islands
who are grounded
who will take risks because they can always go home

But night and day are only separated by the horizon
and time flows in and out
as muscles atrophy
and lactic acid builds up
locking me
holding me
but not tethering me

A phone rang long
electronic malfunction

7 days 7 days 7 days

Yawn yawn
a new week
the same week

the week of waiting for a week to go by

A week of promises and broken promises
of possible interest
and definite disinterest

A week where I stare at the same names
and wait

And think to myself, where is the satisfying
pop!

Where is the bubble
of realization
and I think in the back of my head

Does she read this stuff?
and how must she feel about it?
Disgusted
Appalled
Amused?
Sympathetic
Apathetic
Confirmed
or Angry

I can't think about those things though
for risking too much self awareness on too many layers

It would hurt my head
not just my heart

Sorry for this,
But I honestly need people like you
to be my muse
even if it leaves
you bemused

So a week
again a week
7 Days to get it straight
to make a change
What will I be thinking when the next 7
approach?

Water fowl

Why am I so angry
so frustrated
all the time?

This isn't me
I'm not prone to anger

What happened to
the bright eyed wonder
I used to posess
When does knowledge I sought
become I knowledge i regret

When was the moment that
the forbidden fruit tasted bitter
was it on first bite?
Or was it after they'd reached the core?

There comes a point when water rolling off a ducks back
prevents water from reaching the fowl's mouth

I want to be happy and feel things
but blocking out the bad
seems to have taken the good with it

I want to feel
anything

Nothing with no one

The asphalt is so hot
this time of year
on my bare soles

Bare soul

borne solely on Friday afternoons
and the water feels good
and warm, like the comforting
brush of another person

Excuse me for being blunt
I know you don't like me
like that
sometimes i think you can barely stand me
I'm dull
compared to your real friends
I'm young, probably naive

Just a swimmer in a kiddie pool
while you sit with the adults in the spa

I love the water
holding my breath, listening to my own heart pump

I love sitting motionless at the bottom
eeking out every last bit of oxygen from spent lungs

I love the way the sun feels on my skin
because I was made for it
God made me for the sun

Not you, I guess
Even a beautiful day
is grotesque when i think about that

I'd rather do nothing with somebody
than something with nobody

It's too easy to die

If it's all in my head
then why is it so tangible to me

Why would a movie become
reality
if you really want it
feverishly

Why do mountains peak so suddenly
and drop off with more so aplomb

the journey to the top is riddled with difficulties
but its the effortless free-fall that
always kills you

And it's so easy to just die

There is a space that I wished to cross
looking at you mere feet away
seeing your pointed shoes
capping stocking stemmed
legs

I can't imagine a more simultaneously hopeful
and torturous situation
beyond which I have no vision
and behind which I have no cares

All I can see now
was happening right then

Coaster Album

You are the inexplicable draw
of the water pulling feet through sand
at the beach

I sink as you wash over me,
I marvel at the movement of my
toes transferred to the surface

The sun blasts me in the face
the wind seems to come from it

I stand unashamed
but only of my form

You are the bright explosions on the 5th of July
not the 4th

You are more special than that
because I saw you then
and not when everyone else did

You face down on the table
laughing
Is the absolute best thing
I take it in,
what I inadvertently triggered

And still this morning it's all I could think about
nothing happened

and it's all I can think about

Family Portrait

Why do you HAVE
to be so difficult

Are we done?
I asked

Something i'm so opposed to because
it's fake
a setup
We are not actors in our own lives
so why do you want proof of what we
never were

What about the happy times
the candid captures
where nobody combed their hair
or matched
Does anybody dispute the composition of
those photos?

We already live in a family portrait
with cutout houses
and cookie cutter home designers
going door to door selling the same look
the same veil to drape over our eyes

We can still be ourselves
but you wont let me be me
That's why i'm being so difficult

You guys wonder why I'm always so down
but you never really care
as long as i'm still on the rails
who cares which direction I boulder down
the track

When the record doesn't sound right anymore

Smoke free for almost a week
still feel the haze
unfiltered
and the sunlight plays in it
like sprinklers

Watch your eyes
it's almost all i care about
the spark is there

Is it there in mine too,
or just the exoskeleton
of a life already shed

Don't smile at me
i'll just smile back
I'm a mirror now
but of what you don't want to see

A light bulb surrounded in a cage
is never shattered
the dirty concrete floor
is never swept
and so goes Love
unclean and never broken
but that doesn't sound right

I asked her, "doesn't this sound weird to you?"
the song was off
was the night off as well?
she said yes, and gave me a look
but it was too dark to see her eyes

And now i wonder if I'm seeing things
and hearing things
that aren't there

Being interesting is difficult when I'm so far down the list my name is on side b: I'm a B Side

It's a struggle just knowing you
sometimes
ya know
you know everyone

But you don't really know me
I haven't told you
all that much

Does it remotely peak your interest?
I doubt it, I doubt it

The sermon of the couch

Oh,
how unhappy are the lovelorn
for theirs is an empty heart

They seek
and do not find

They knock in vain
for no one is there to answer

They drink and drive
and steal and cheat
and dishonor themselves and fight
for what optimism they hold dear

They are the gnats around coffee grinds
masters of head colds
and losers of decency

Theirs is the couch,
theirs is a computer chair
and lower back pain

Theirs is uncertainty
the same uncertainty we all face
love lorn or not
but they face it alone

The ones without who have so much to give
the child at Easter who cannot find a plastic shell
They are the unloved and beloved

You cry for them
your heart aches for them
and they do the same

for themselves.

Of myth and man

The myth is so much better
than the man
open your eyes
and remove all doubt
don't let this fool speak

Don't mistake the moisture in my eyes
for sympathy
you'll find it's only
contact solution

Let me be
when you find yourself in times of trouble
let me be

So much has been made of the thinness
of my accomplishments
the nature of my being
It's a cop out to say
i'm just a man

Truthfully i'm something less than that sometimes
more of a corpse these days
disgusting flesh
rotted from the inside

Can't you feel the fetid nature
of my words
my actions

I'm not acting
but floundering

Raspberry joints

Little satellite
trajectory true
but lying to yourself
this long elipse will slowly
drop you into the atmosphere

Burn you,
feel the heat
red nosed and runny
don't smile for your end
Like a little boy on a bicycle
running his handlebars
into the grass
while his savior runs a few feet behind

The excitement without training wheels
lead - very shortly - to complete loss of control
like the satellite
sucked by the molasses of gravity
the soup of shame
an angle of anguish

Little boy save yourself
every decision you make now
may only lead you
closer to
the dirt
and scraped knees

Raspberry joints
that sting for days

Burnout

Put the lid on the jar
watch the match burn itself out
oxygen starved
tightly sealed

The dancing whisp of smoke is what I remembered

Sometimes these things have a way of ending
all their own

The one bold bird late at night ruffled his feathers and cut the darkness

Cylindrical mirror
cobalt tint
Sunday morning and the slats
of blinds with too much dust
and fingerprint marks
as if some one were trying to escape at night
while I slept

Birds chirp
all day
but I like the loud ones at night
because they wait until the stage is silent
They're too smart
to become part of the rush hour white noise

That's why I do my best work
at night
when almost everyone else has gone to bed

That's when you should listen to me
if you can keep your eyes open
or at least your ears

I saw her in my dream last night
she smiled

You know the only disappointing thing about dreams
is not that they never happened
but that
they ultimately mean so very little

And maybe i'd be better off as a dream
because at least you'd have a vague
fond memory
and in that
you will find something to smile about me
during your long day
of waking

Vacant

I'm in the endless cloud
light years from one end to the other
careening forever it seems
never reading
never writing

not feeling much of anything
anymore

If I may gain anything back
I would give away what little I still have
the stars burn away cosmic dust
and like that
the brightness of a few
have eroded
so much of what i'd built up for myself

The space between is expanding like the universe
ever faster
ever greater
And nobody ever beats the current,

Sometimes going with the flow
is a defeat
worse than drowning

You may think you see my humanity
joy, anger, sadness
but it is so vacant

Right now, I'm not here
I'm not anywhere
right now

Piss

The door slams shut
in my face
he can't stand the sight of me
I've pissed him off

Let me out
please let me out
I don't have much money

I don't know why i bugged you
to be frank
I'm angry at the lack of light
of transparency

For holding my home hostage
for ignoring me
for belittling me
and acting like your moods
are as unchangeable as the laws of physics

So don't give me your stress
I know things are tough
for you
But
Life isn't roses
because I have time to watch them grow

So as you spend a whole 7 bucks
on a book you suddenly need on a maslow's top tier level
I want to leave
you don't need to push me
off the edge

I'll jump

Have your books
but don't be surprised
that the water you stir
causes sickness for the rest of us

Day's vs. nights: everybody needs a win in the spring

It's spring again
I'll be 24 soon
i've been sick since I got back
but i'm better now

The sun, the breeze
the orange poppies
nothing is better than California
on a day like this

Depression gets the best of me at night
but 1:44 on a Monday
make 24 years seem like
a warm afternoon

I don't know why I obsessed over you
sometimes
the best times really

maybe it's because the nights are never depressing around you
but is it worth my afternoons?

We can only do what we want
on days like this

The dog of Texas

I hope the desert will cure me
it's sage brush
wishing me well with wise words

The road will extend into pure white bliss
and on them
we travel into the place the sun rises

I haven't been where i'll be going for six years
six long years I never thought i'd see
go by
not unlike the six long months
I left in the lone star state

Flat lands and blue skies
that's what I remember
boredom
that's what I remember

Not this time
I go as part of a group this time
when I was 18
I was truly alone
in a way few people ever get to experience at that age

And sometimes being alone has it's advantages
May Austin be an old bloodhound
which is why i'll choose
to let a sleeping dog lie.

Not sad, just dissapointed so far

Spectacular 60watt bulb
and i'm trying to avoid you now
trying like the fish in the river
stick close to rocks
and depths
in between reeds

They know where it's safe

My life is full of needs
of desires
it hurts
or it can

Walking in the moonlight
passive glance at empty
meander

Just thinking of her
is enough sometimes
and isn't it incredible how
powerful our need for that connection is

and just how mismatched the wind and dirt
can sometimes be
I feel like the dirt
trampled and set in
moved only on the surface
pitted and pockmarked

and she is the wind
brushing my thoughts
as we elude each other
for different reasons
unrevealed

Too long with nothing to show
Am I so unlucky?