Sometimes getting walked to first feels like striking out

I told myself I shouldn't care
That this girl with dark brown hair
would think perhaps that I was fair
Or that maybe I would find my pair

She was kind enough to give me chance
To state my case through verbal dance

She gave me something I have not known
Company was hers to loan

But in the end we missed the link
the night was over as one eye blinks
We shared 2 hours and sober drinks
Yet reflecting now I do not think

That we made the connection I sorely lack
And felt even farther from when I drove back

But i'm scared

Fear is drilling into my brain
burrowing out of my subconscious and into my lucid state
then she put me on hold
God was it for real
stomach twisting and tying into double knots
the kind you cant get out because they're too tight
I can't even make out the lines of her face
all that is seen is words
like smoke rising up and dissipating
When do i get to shift into second
stop revving and revving and sucking down fuel
when does it become easier?
But I'm scared
I'm scared cause failure could be worse
worse than trying
she's not responding
do I panic
or remain calm
she could be sleeping or resting
Though i would never know cause I can barely see her face
This is painful
Stepping on broken glass bare feet broken arm blisters painful

For the occasion that you are pretty

Kicking and fidgeting
I want to say more
Ive got the devil and an angel on each shoulder
and both are urging me to say something
But sometimes something is hard to say
Difficult to put into words
My fingers atrophy as the seconds rush by
taking the breath from my lungs
I cannot speak more
though my brain could write a novel about it
Humor me just a little longer
It always feels like failure
Even if i broke the tape before the others
I haven't won till i've adorned the medal
Gilded as it might sometimes be
A win is still a win
But to me all is loss
A little more time
A little more familiarity
A little more reciprocation
More it seems is all I need
The world is falling apart from too much
And I want more

The Hero Arch

Out of darkness comes the light
out of obscurity, a fame
and out of my mouth
is wretched sorrow

Intrinsically linked since the moment of transfiguration
as I, my new self, and adulthood sat on the crest of adolescence
I was blind but now I see
The angst and anxiety
and stress and moroseness
Of realizing my goal
at the same time as my fault

A window was opened
paralleled by bars built round it
I must slay my enemy
release myself from the gravel
from the earth
from this cage

the moment of revelation, the second coming
I long to leave this body for another
not burdened with the weight
of waiting in uncertainty

God asks for my patience
He requires my trust
but long is the road ever stretching out in front of me
I would rather settle for second best or half of what is due
than bide my time in what seems like eternity

He knows this, I know this
but still my arch is not finished
I concede in submission while I follow the road
I can feel my victory over the next hill, the next year
But how many more hills and valleys and steep slopes and canyons must I cross

Before I reach the peak at Sinai
and the Lord reveals his plan to me
or will I merely get a better view
while I die in quiet solitude at the top.

Still a hero
but of a shallow victory.

Coffins, my dear. Coffins.

Like the doves on your wrist you wing through my mind
all day long
Like the red in your hair you are the life in my blood
that keeps my heart beating
Don't close the door, don't close the door
on me
cause I want you to know
that you are the reason im so cold
Like the air in the fall and the leaves on the ground
all around
Sending chills down my spine
Like rain in the clouds you bring tears to my eyes
falling falling falling down
cause i want you to be
the voice i don't have and the poise that i lack
just don't close the door
to your heart

But it didn't happen that way
the red haired bird flew
A nail through my wooden home
and the culprit floated away
the roof is peppered with shovels of dirt

For myself - With love and squalor

There are no silent brooks
but some trees fall unnoticed

some rocks go unturned
And the heart and mouth
do not always connect

Like cupping two palms
to draw water for drink
The heart has so much to say
it runs over the edges
So when raising it up
to quench the thirst
The mouth sadly finds
most of the substance had slipped through the cracks

So little makes it through the lips
that only a stunted version
of what was meant to be said
is ever really verbalized

So with a dehydrated mouth
and a heart about to burst
I slosh about
hoping to strike the rock
and have water spring forth
Or waiting for an angel
with a divining rod

There's an ocean of life under this course surface
and I've yet for another one to want it

And my vision is illegible and my concentration fades
two and three times for a sentence
and one or less times is my s-e-n-t-e-n-c-e

A lion is stalking us

And what are we all running from?
Like groups of gazelles, certain a lion is stalking us
stumbling together through a savannah
while a predator lurks

A casino floor with stilettos for hooves
Holding our wounded and weak up with liquor
Hoping to stave off aggressors
with sheer numbers

The blistering city streets are lined with watering holes
but the water is toxic
not fit but to speed up our capture
the Lion is stalking us
And he is patient

Eventually the wrong move is made
stumbling down the wrong alley
collapsing on the wrong bed
You can only shed a tear and lie
While the Lion waits for you to die

A mortal mistake is sprinting to make an escape
And what are we running from anyway

How did I just stand there?

And how did i just sit there and take it?
Not two feet away from two people i cared for
In the arms of their lovers
In the thoughts of their others
In the eyes of their beholders
You know how to feel alone in a crowd,
Its simple really, I'm certainly a pro by now
stand as close as possible to the newly impossible
so close you can smell them
so close you could touch them
so close you can hear them
the lovely, little poems
that come straight from part of your heart
that empties when you're sure she's the one
The same exact place, in fact
as the dank, dark, damp, destructive,
lyrics of late night anger and furious outburst
or close to it I imagine.
But instead of walking away,
I stood there and took it
the same way I sit here now and take it
by getting use to, no accepting, no enjoying
my lonesome life and long desert road of a future it implys

But i'm being irrational now
that was years ago now
the last time I saw my best friends
in repressed depression
or any capacity really.
No what i'm really crying for
what i'm really wishing for
or any number of fanciful words for pining
Is that moment when i finally see this rusty old vessel
reverse its course from the depths of the abyssal black hole
of selfish cynicism and quiet numbness
that promises to envelope what little love I have left
At least when i stood there and took it
Some small piece of me was still fighting for my own well being.

Spring

And with the end of gardening came a sad sigh of relief
not just a chapter but a whole book closed
It shouldn't have this effect on me
Another has this effect on me
She shouldn't have this effect on me
I'm doomed for a new round of new heartache
But this hill is sloping down and I'm afraid I can't stop it
I'm being honest now
My heels left the ground
My head's in the clouds
I sat in the dark and spoke to God
It's going to have an effect on me
I can't even see straight

471

Three desks back and three rows over
Three walls white as the cliffs of dover
Now three students where once was one
A single file line in the shadow of the sun

Halls getting louder and footsteps fill the air
There is one girl missing with long brown hair
I hope, I prayed, I think I might die
If the girl with brown hair and almond shaped eyes

Walks right passed me or even worse still
Goes a whole semester without knowing how i feel
she ignored me this time, maybe I should have smiled
Maybe I should have wrote it out on the cold white tile

Or maybe I'm not worth the while
Verdict "boring" from the trial
or maybe its my lack of style
I'll just march out single file
with the other losers and useless men
who couldn't speak up and are alone again...

The end of gardening

Oh delicate flower on the other side of a fence
so long have I coveted your scent
A white washed barrier and few feet of grass
seperate me from the memory of past

Oh delicate flower so many years ago
every fall you'd bloom while i admired a rose
I haven't seen you for a year at least
Soon to be made part of a bouquet at a feast

Throw away the gloves and shears
This is the end of gardening

God, its dark, its late

When you're in the mood to create
Its like reaching into a box
and finding the thing you wanted most
Looking at the shiny object
In complete admiration
and telling yourself in a quiet voice
its time i match or surpass it
And staring at a blank canvas
wishing it were wet
With blood, sweat, tears
and long lost fears
Of doubts and insecurities never ending
My pride and joy and bane in one
Morose feelings and cynical stammers
Sense of longing for sense of belonging
and giving my 2 cents
Making sense of life through someones eyes
When I'm in the mood to create

21 The Aftermath

As a tree spreads its branches
Leaves budding in all directions
So sits you, head in a book
Legs crossed and glasses on
2! parts in nature
1! on the concrete
Go! she seems to say
The night was not a blur
But the laughs came easy
The waitress was attractive
but my thoughts were not so sleazy
The aftermath, a shock wave
She gets up and walks away
If she saw me it was as a part of the background
I'll rock an Adios
A snap of the fingers
The drink's effect faded
But the buzz still lingers

the fight for my life

Only the first sailor could even relate
to how lonely i feel in my own skin
floating through time and taking up space
stuck in cyclone and tired of spin

A tear in the eyes sinks last memory
a flood of anger in the heart
The fear of loss, my vessel is capsizing
tends to rip my mind apart

The ship run aground, its time to abandon
Sweet sorrow and anger brought on by my strife
Last attention to orders escape from the captain
Cast anchors and life rafts, the fight for my life!

American Idol

Trapped in a body so ailing
nothing to say so we sing
hearts content and souls fill
birth heart beating, death heart still
A love so pure, a love so pure
a wish of last
2 days have passed
20 years too fast
Sing your melody for all to hear
and heal the wounds of sadness and fear
There will be only one victor tonight!
God bless the soul that empties-

its only the last time

Dont cry, dont cry, i swear he meant no harm

the close of 2 years well spent draw nigh
and 2 more from now you'll let a sigh
but 2 more 2 more and every year from then
will turn the edges of your mouth on end
and the way you feel now
is a testament to how
much you have loved and been loved in return
but just the tip of the iceburg the love you will earn
smile in fours because ones not enough
dont lock the doors to your heart to be tough
you fail and you fall and you get up again
but soon you won't fall
flat on your face, the tears well up
dripping like from a cracked cup
no, soon you'll find the strength to stand up and wipe away pain
its only the last time, from here on is gain.

MOOD red orange yellow green blue INDIGO violet

Whats there to say except start over?
when the time has come to pass
when the future came to fast
when everything around you is about to crash
And flowing from your mouth
are the same old lies and tricks
you tell yourself at night when you're in bed.
So much depends on a red set of lips
that stop your heart
that halt your tracks
that makes you take a second glance
Feet stuck in mud
life stuck in park
and getting outs as simple as shifting into drive
but harder than swimming out of quicksand
it takes a death of sorts to come back to life
three days in the belly of the beast
three wishes from a lamp
three strikes and your out
and then its time for a seventh inning stretch.

Splitting hairs until it comes undone

Its Christmas time again
the wind whipped her lips and his
stinging their faces and drying their tears
the two figures stood out in the cold
it was all he could do to keep from kissing her
and the gap between them widened
no more soft outlines in golden moonlight
just jagged edges, sharp feelings
and a tension
not to draw together but repel away
a reversal of polarities on a sub polar day
her eyes off his and their eyes apart
the ground filled his vision and she filled his thoughts
or the way she was
since her figure was a rapidly shrinking shape
in the fog of snow and increasing darkness
black and white and salt and ice
its sadness, its inability, its stubbornness
its irreconcilable,
it was love.
Its Christmas time again.

Roger and Amy

This is their story
Roger and Amy
born in the spring of '86
Though they were strangers
they soon would find out
that they were meant to find each other
Oh theyre neighbors
her parents moved in from Decatur
and in the summer they would swim together
By fall their best friends
and school would start then
First day of grade school in a rainstorm
Huddled together
eating their crackers
Roger turned to Amy and said "I love you"
Oh three simple words
he didn't know what he was saying
but it would stay with her until she...
The years they would pass
they grew up so fast
said all the people "They're inseparable"
But like all good things
Roger and Amy
would let their friendship fall on hard times
Oh its Highschool
Roger's in love with other girls
And though she wouldn't say it Amy was so sad
Its winter formal
both now were seniors
and Roger was asking just one person
Its winter formal
Amy done waiting
said yes to the boy in her math class
Oh its Love
Amy and her boy would cut a rug
and though he wouldn't say it Roger was so mad
And two years later
in a Ford Ranger
that boy would finally pop the question
She called up Roger
to tell the good news
that she and her man were getting married
Oh he faked it
Roger said congratulations
he had wasted time and couldnt hold it back
So on a spring day
before the wedding
Roger and Amy ate together
He said "remember"
"On that first day"
"When i told you that i loved you"
Oh the silence
Amy started to cry then
She said "you're way too late, and I am getting married"
In his depression
He started thinking
about all the good times they had growing up
And how he squandered
his time with Amy
there would not be a happy ending
Oh the summer
the time when they became not quite lovers
Roger and Amy would never speak again

Nothing to write home about

Light light light
I want my light to shine
A resounding wave to flow out
and let my voice be heard
Write write write
Lord let me find the right
let me sleep at night
so i can find delight
Why cant i write write write
of find my light light light?
Up and down and green and black
houses and chairs and leavs all around
and books and pens and music and time and blue and red
and months and states of being and towers encased in crystal
and mice and men and glue and birdhouses and checks and cameras
and days at the beach, and nights at the beach, and life in the suburbs
and blessings and curses and ups and downs and scales and measures
and life and death and dust to dust and heaven and hell and beginning and end
and love and hate and records and baseball cards and shoes and papers
nothing to lie about, nothing to write about.