Love love love (prologue)

(this poem is yet to be posted)

Give me a reason to stay awake

Cool air and clear nights, with my hand out the window
I am driving
The lights and sounds are just a blur and the moon is so bright
Ive got a quarter tank left but i feel im on empty
And running on fumes has gotten me tired
More so than the sleep i miss through restless nights
and lonely thoughts in the twilight of my conscious
To wake every morning with nothing worth staying up for
id fall asleep and waste my life just to avoid being awake and aware
of all i'm missing and missing out on
Rest is all i ask for
In the darkness i am lost, reading a map without any light
the signs in front warn of a dead end
and i dont think i can turn around
Im sure if i stop i will have nothing left to start again

The way nothing feels

Wind swept fields of grass and quiet brooks with soft sands
Smoke rose in the distance and the grass had not a chance
The fire burned with a passion like love
and engulfed the meadow in a relentless inferno from above
Not a seed was left nor a log unburned
Not a tree was left standing or stone overturned
Just the brook in silence and sands underneath
Now threatened by the sun and its relentless heat
that sucked out the life from the clouds in the air
and chased away hope from the ones in its care
and the brook dried up till the only remains
were the soft sands at the bottom and the trail they made
Now the newly formed desert waits for healing over time
With the memory of days made sweeter through rhyme

Caught up in a Whirlwind

Oh Lord where are you
when we cry and cry but no help arrives?
Our houses are shambles and our sons are drowned
Swept away to never be seen again
He takes and He takes.
Doubt is the thought that comes from black swamps
and anger the logic driving us to look to the heavens
only to curse and rebuke
the one surely responsible for such a travesty
or if He is even there
then where is He now
when we need Him the most?
Man must help man
with hands around shovels and eyes to the ground
Amidst all the pain and suffering wrapped up in complaining
did we stop to wonder if maybe He was helping?
That the reason the skies did not answer or help not arrive
was because God used man to help man
with shovels in their hands and their eyes to the ground?
Is it any wonder that God would not speak
when man only looks up when their outlook is bleak?
He gives and He gives

I hate being happy (or so I tell myself to curb my disappointments)

One broken string is all it took
the day is so gloomy and humid a month after June
and I couldn't be happier to tell the truth
I've had enough sunshine without any warmth
so why not isolate myself by a fire
and forget the world outside
a world well on the way to passing me by
I peek out the window to see the gray sky
and watch as it washes the color out of trees and mountains
there's a purity in white light permeating my bedroom
not tainted by red sunsets or blue skies
how can I not find solace in a scene so depressing
no laughter in the water or bicycle chains clicking
I hear nothing but the gentle breeze through the dreary trees
and my own sad satisfaction
Oh, how I wish the clouds would clear!

The Dive

Its a long way to the bottom
and i owe it to you everyday
i do
You left me hanging lover
and it hurt me to the bottom of my heart
its a tragedy
And i want to thank you baby
for abandoning
You see i couldnt have fallen half as fast
without you riding me
I finally got back on my feet
and sunset of my life is turning dawn
its a brand new day
Then who do i see but the demon of me
strutting down the street in high heeled shoes
to try to take me down
well i ran so fast in my bare feet
i left a streak of light
Because ive seen the bottom and i know for a fact
once is more than enough

Take the old with the new..

Here are a few older poems I wrote a long while ago. Some are unfinished, but its kinda cool to actually look back at old writings and remember how I felt when I wrote them. I actually like some of it.

Who Are We Kidding?

Who are you kidding?
Hiding behind your fashioncore glasses
Put on a fissad meant for the masses
You might fool the many
but was it worth a penny
to lose the effect of your beautiful eyes
hidden so well with your fashion chique' disguise

Who are we kidding?
Wearing our masks to please a crowd
or letting ourselves be know with voices so loud
If we could only stop and see
In complete silence we'd finally be
and not a point is lost or goes unheard
with our true faces now free as a bird


Tired of Running

Patience is a virtue, or so I hear
I wait and I wait, only to fear
That I might never achieve this gift from above
I may live my whole life and never find love

Without fail or exception every time
When I have a chance to finally climb
Out of my rut, It's not too long
'til that door is shut and im writing a song

Someday, somwhere, somehow, with someone
I hope to finally end this and be done

Film on a reel

It's amazing how far you'll go
before you realize where you are
How I arrived i'll never know
But ive been here before
Like a mouse on a wheel
I'm working hard but going nowhere
like a scene on a reel
My time comes and goes in a blink
The truth is, I see the world, ever in motion
But do they see me?
What am I missing? some magic potion?
How am I invisible, can i be seen?


Monuments

I'm slipping, crawling, barely moving

Reaching for a handhold, but gripping nothing
The feeling is sharp like the cut of a knife
The feeling you get when you're sliding through life.

The Sweetest Librarian

I've yet to find my full potential
I feel as though I'm missing something
so I take a trip
to the public library for some knowledge
Surrounded by bounded works of art
Isle after isle of book after book
I wonder if anyone has ever read them all
I tend to doubt it
A tap on the shoulder reveals
a girl with square rimmed glasses
and I am staring into them
and I wonder what she's saying
cause I haven't heard a word
since she started talking
The sweetest librarian
Please tell me a love story, "you'll find it in fiction"
she says, the sweetest librarian
Going home, I find myself
not caring what I checked out
She's in my mind now, all the time now
and the due dates on these books
is the 24th
and its just a couple more days til I will come back
So please tell me a love story, "you'll find it in fiction"
she says, the sweetest librarian

among the universal truths: 14 year old girls ruin music

And if I said what I was thinking
would you turn away in disgust
I dont blame you
Why dont you let me take that coat miss
no need to thank me it's my job
please take a seat
I've met strange people
and even stranger words I know
truth is in a bottle
but it's distorted by the glass
so wont you open up the cap
and let it out
Let me say what i've been thinking
girl you ruined me so fast
who's fault is that
Theres the door i'll see myself out
I wont ask you now to stop me
so take the hint
I've met strange people
and even stranger words I know
the strong will find a way out
and the smart will follow suit
but the weak drown in their doubt
and they are doomed
We all are doomed..

we can skip the first date, all you need to know is in my "about me"

I think i would love you if ever i met you
I feel like ive known you for longer than tom
i share in your love of all things ben gibbard
and its cool that you've heard his unreleased songs

The things you have written, to me, give you hue
and the green in your backround really brings out your eyes
or so i would think if your pic was in color
and the mirror that you posed in was replaced by blue skies

Your friends tell a story of how your day went
ranting about coffee and things heard in the street
the jokes still alive, still immersed in the moment
your face says you're normal but your tastes are elite

And if ever i met you i think we'd hit it off
we'd bring out our records and watch the film Annie Hall
and as we sat and laughed at Alvy Singer's neurosis
i'd be happy as a clam and for you i would fall

If, and only if, i ever meet you at all

late nights and graduations

It seems the last rays of light will always find their way
through leaves and around fences
before hitting my eyes in a dazzling display

the evening is warm and grass enviting
the music has died while the crowds disperse
but the urge is to stay and see what the night brings

the company, some known, others awaiting introduction
their attention is fleeting and hard to capture
like a sea of new faces alive and in motion

she's beautiful tonight as if this sunset were the reason
a new dress and new shoes
a new feeling of attention and hair like a leaf in the autumn season

its hard not to notice as the setting sun plays its trick
with light and dark in a hypnotic tango
but i never see the dance because i can't hear the music.

we'll always have bookstores.....

connection and the moment of truth
our eyes met and the only thing i could think of was you
the world around me vanished into backround
it was like we two were the only people on earth
the conversations around us blend together
creating the music that serenades this moment
your hair dances in the wind
your eyes light the sky
and your smile...
your beautiful smile warms my heart
in such a way that the sun itself is envious
if all God's creation sings of His greatness
your note could make an atheist preach
but when the signal is lost
and the contact is broken
when i rejoin reality
and adjust my focus
ill still be thinking of you
i cant help but be thinking of you
like opening a camera and exposing the film
your image has been burned into memory
and my mind is ruined for anything else

two sillouettes (the art of young love)

the room is spinning like the gears of a clock
its gotten so late but it doesnt matter
time stopped the first time you saw her
it seems like a lifetime and a day ago
all one in the same
the room is silent from the end of conversation
the only sound now is beating of hearts
its the art of young love
so delicate and innocent
the moment is all that matters
two sillouettes outlined in soft moonlight
her eyes in his and their eyes locked
so subtle is the movement
that both are startled by the closing gap
when their lips finally meet
no more beauty in all of nature
than when a pair of youthful lovers
lose sight of all else
and kiss as if tomorrow would never come
and yesterday never happened

blue

Walking around on a warm spring day, back and forth and too and fro, an aimless wander with no direction, surrounded by people on all sides yet so alone, but its a sentiment shared by all, a woman looks at me and laughs, she lost a love so long ago the headstone has faded, in stark contrast was her memory of him, as fresh as the flowers she left that morning, rising up carried by a staircase, the top holds nothing new, just a mirror of the bottom, but so much closer to the light, sitting down at a table meant for more, the empty chairs say more than the one in use, across the way three friends enjoying each others company, they talk about the future, something they all have so much of, at the same time the end of an era, in a year they might not remember the things they said today, in the last leg of pointless journey, the beginning's the end and the middle is behind me, before i leave a girl confronts me, "do you like the color blue", she asked so intensely, "is that the color of your eyes", "no" i think "its just the hue of my mood".

Not really sure if that was a poem or short story.

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

Id be lying if I never said a word to you, and like the heat escaping away into the night, once our time is up I'm stolen away with the sunset, no ground can be gained if your not willing to risk, reading books upon broken monuments to kings of the past, a sunken ship in a frozen green pasture with its bow to the heavens, the people cry out but to no avail because they cant be seen, they never existed, all this surrounds one so beautiful, her song brought the ship aground, her love crumbled the will of sovereigns and now their dust feeds the field, all the while I cry out as if I was moments from a certain fate, I scream to the point that my voice is a whisper, and until I have none my voice will be heard, she's worth that much, more than the world itself, Sara you're so beautiful so please hear my voice, Sara save me from silence, save me from sinking, save me from sunset.

the loneliest place is with friends (reprised) or the car ride from hell

So staring at lights as they bounce off the roads,
from the newly wet streets in foreign zip codes,
i think to myself as if to converse,
with a friend who might understand our curse,
there is in my life an unreachable goal,
a cliff too steep or infinite hole,
my reverence and admiration are sincere in intent,
but doubt and cynicism conspire against me in contempt,
i saw a smile so warming it melted my fears,
but the heat soon lifted and cold sorrow interferes,
its like looking at the world without a lens,
i cant see clarity or beauty, in turn i pretend,
so sitting in this car as we travel through the rain,
the only thing to comfort me is the reminder of pain,
as the sun tries piercing the clouds to tell time,
im reminded of my loss and ends her rhyme,
i miss the way you used to laugh,
for me and only me,
never to change or so i thought,
before i was lonely,
now never is forever and forever today,
whenever i see you i keep feelings at bay,
i belie the way my heart has so sunk,
now comes the urge to lock myself in the trunk.


On a lighter note im actually not as depressed as these poems suggest. I just use past and present expieriences and feelings to inspire the words that i could never say to anyone through speech. Whether or not that means i actually write anything worth reading is really not what i am after. I just wanted an outlet.

the city must be the glitz and glamour i want it to be...

Color and reflection blend with one another, creating a sight that reminds me of lovers. Apart they are wonderful and complete on their own, together they meld into a perfect mold. Or so it should be or remains to be seen, as cracks over time work their way into seams, which slowly but surely and on that you can count, crack and chip away the pieces until little doubt, remains that this piece so exquisite as one, will become seperate parts once the fracture is done, and the two which were wonderful and complete all alone, now look worn out and dull without hue or tone, no longer useful or a sight to behold, all that is left is to become old. Such is the tragedy of unlucky love, like a shattered ceramic dropped from above.

the last thoughts of a defeated man

i let out a sigh and breathe deep, i must have lived a lifetime in two seconds, all my hopes and aspirations, it was the best thing that never happened to me, you were the best thing, or rather you were, i could never make it past that word, now I'm twice as slow and half as clever, and with regards to you i can see only never, you left me without even knowing it and all the cushions in the world couldn't curb my discomfort with how i let my glance stray for a second while we drifted apart, that was a year ago and I've been inhaling water ever since, all this for a glimpse and a split second memory, but drowning feels like heaven when im thinking of you.

this is meant to be what it needs to be....

The sky must be made for clouds and every day gloomy, it rains harder and harder until rock becomes mud. Sun's rays ne'er a chance, the soil is sick and so is my heart. The sounds and smells dull and muted, a soggy wet map to guide one through it. All is damp, all is cold, life has wilted, become old. Puddle after puddle, drip after drop, dust to dust. Nothing was meant to live under these conditions, no not one. Yet year in, year out, i remain, rejected, pondering, wondering, questioning, is this love? Was this how it was going to feel to hold it in? I think the sky must be made for clouds.

THAT WAS terrible.

Snow

To have grown up in Southern California is to not know weather. Today it snowed and it incited excitement i haven't had since i was 10. There is something about snow falling from the sky that makes me want to enjoy life. Its the kind of weather that i should have this time of year, not clear sunshine or sporatic rain. In this weather i can sit with my Ipod and read a book or sit by the fireplace. Homecooked meals taste better, the family gets along better, i get to wear a hoodie without being emo. For once i actually feel crazy wearing shorts in the winter. Maybe i forget about school or friends or relationships. I wish it would snow everyday.