My Future In Puddles

I feel like this storm
Billions of particles of my being
Accelerating to oblivion as the earth draws near
An oddly soothing sound for those in a gentle sleep

But I am not like the calming drone of water droplets
I am the chaotic randomness of tiny explosions
Crashing and combining before being ripped apart again at ground zero
Wondering where I might end up

After struggling to stay in the clouds
Life finally slips from my grasp
Tumbling downward to certain demise
Rain is my tears as much as it is my heart

My future in puddles
And your puddle below me
While I take aim and let go

Any pool of water will do at this point
But I want you to know my drops were meant for yours

Getting over myself

Honesty
A seven letter word like a lost letter
forwarded to me after years of return to sender

You have only you to blame
-Truth

Its a foreboding message.
At first outrage, then fear
I panic
I read the address

Steven M.
Your House Your St.
Your City, Your State, Your Zip Code

It's mine alright
Well maybe truth is broader than that
Certainly life's difficulties could share responsibility

You have only You to blame
-Truth

Its so simple, no room for negotiation
I can feel my throat start to close
The very air itself is against me
Nobody wants me to succeed
They can't understand how my mind works
But why do I still fail

You have only You to blame
- Truth

Alright I get it, but I'll show you someday
I can beat this thing
Years after my death they'll tout what I did
But even I know there isn't much certainty in resolute gesturing
Despair

I've ruined myself, my life, my future
Destined to be an also ran
I need hope now
But I'm having a hard time getting past the truth

You have only you to blame
-Truth

P.S

You are not alone in this, accept it and move forward
-Humility

Mall Break Up, The (short) Story of Eleanor

If it wasn’t California it might have snowed…


Mid December, just days before the pinnacle of an ever growing season.

The lobby of the local mall was decorated to the very tip of every fake plant and guard rail with reds and greens and sticky faux snow. The bustling crowds swirled around us like a pool on the bank of a river.

I can’t help looking around at the different people, if it weren’t for that fake tree in the center plaza I’d have a perfect birds eye view to this holiday mess.

“Excuse me sir, did you say you wanted blue cheese dressing on your salad?” said my waiter.

He was a short clean cut fellow. I would have placed him at 17 or so, a lot younger than I thought would work at a place like this. Old enough to grow some facial hair though, as he proudly displayed his 5 o’clock shadow that no doubt took weeks to trim just right.

“Yes,” I said while nodding, as if either affirmation wouldn’t have been enough on its own.

He smiled and walked off to another table. My guess would be future store manager, or assistant manager. He had all the makings of a guy with low level management suck up skills. I bet when he is off work, he wears a blue tooth headset connected to a Blackberry on his belt.

“You need to stop judging people, Evan” said the girl sitting directly across from me.

Her name was Eleanor. She was cute, short, dark-skinned, and, at the moment, a little annoyed with me. We used to date, we might even still be going out, I don’t know. I don’t really know why I’m here.

“How could you tell?” I asked, half admitting she was right.

“You have a look about you when you stare at certain people,” she said, softening up a bit. “It’s normally followed by some joke about them, but ...”

My mind wandered, she spoke but I didn’t listen. The candle on the table was lit, but the restaurant was still too bright. The little flame couldn’t beat back the white glow of a cloudy afternoon.

“What’s wrong Evan?” she finally asked.

Her face was genuinely perplexed, but also worried, like she already knew the answer but hoped to God she might be wrong.

I could hear O Holy Night being played by a quintet of horns. I think I read somewhere that when the Titanic sunk, the band continued to play. My ship was about to capsize.

And there it was.

Eleanor represented so much for me. She was, for all intents and purposes, the first and only girlfriend I have ever had. She was Genesis, day one, my Eve. The culmination of so many things I had longed for. How many Christmas’s were filled with a happy fulfillment of my desires yet, for the first time, I got exactly what I wanted and was handing it back.

I can remember the first time I asked her out in a round about way that could only be described as mine. I was afraid she might say no, but in the back of my head I knew better. I had her; from before day one I had her in the palm of my hand. I knew she would say yes. There was no real risk. It was written in her eyes. But I guess it wasn’t in mine.

“Evan stop daydreaming and tell me what’s wrong,” she demanded. “I think I deserve that much.”

She was right. I could hear her now. Clear as day, my mind came into focus. I am here to break up with Eleanor.

Its funny, break-up’s happen on regular basis yet there is still no right way to end something as substantial as a romance.

I guess it isn’t really that funny. Now that I think about it, I’ve never done this before. Another first for Eleanor. I wasn’t nervous though, for once in our relationship I was confident.

“I just think we should…”

As the words finally hit Eleanor’s ears, her demeanor changed. She wasn’t sad, in fact, she seemed prepared. I mean, I think she might have been sad, but she wasn’t surprised.

Instead of crying or fighting she just nodded. It was more like that sweet release, pulling the plug on a patient that had been on life support too long.

The vent above released warm air into the chilling atmosphere. On our table, the candle between us flickered and finally gave into the breeze. All we were left with was a softly weaving thread of smoke and the check.

How you were inexplicably in my dreams

In the deep sleep of a warm Saturday afternoon
I had a dream and you were there

You referenced things we seemed to know
like they were the shared experiences of past dreams
But you weren't in them
How could you know?

In the dream we sat on a couch with no cushions
and I felt uncomfortable
maybe because of the seats
Or maybe it was because you were there
Out of place because I never dreamed of you before

However you were nothing like you at all
And you started to entrance my friends
With the sort of mindless sensuality of intoxicating sirens
running ships aground with your song
I watched it all unfold as you serenaded your way to intimate closeness
nearer, nearer still
But farther, farther from me

In my dream I started burning up
You kissing gently the lips I did not own
And it felt so wrong
And you seemed not to care
As he brushed the hair from your eyes and held you like I could not

I ached with jealousy I've never known
With each moment of my silence I cried out in my mind
Until the thoughts played the air like invisible instruments
and they rang audibly in desperate plea
"Why are you doing this?"

In the dream I ran outside into the dream world night
The sky was purple and glowing with energy
I still felt too warm
Wondering why on a cold November evening I found no relief
Why the rocks and trees around me were caged up
When they possessed no ability to move anyway
And neither could I

Paralyzed, puzzled and hurt
I wished my dreams were dreams at all
Heavenly impossibilities we wake up from
With no memory except of the good feelings

But I remember you vividly

I remember you in my dream
And how it felt more like a nightmare

A little something i've been working on

The static sound of crashing waves...

Soothed the soul for an entire community of lonely hearts.

The sun set hours ago on the quiet beaches of Balboa island. The burning ball left a brilliant flash of light before sinking below the silky smooth waters and blanketing the sky in a quilt of darkness. Yet, through the pitch black of night, a glow of lights illuminated the shore.

Tiny seaside shops and tightly packed bars lined the sands like a row of Christmas bulbs on the edge of a lawn. The rectangle shaped buildings were staggered in height and placed without regard to their neighbor. It was as if each house was an island unto itself.

To the west was the dim outer space of the Pacific ocean, sparsely speckled with late night sailboat cruises and 24 hour oil rigs.

To the east were the denizens of a late night bar scene, hopping from one watering hole to the next like nomads in a moonlit desert, searching for a place to quench their thirst.

Thursday night was the new Friday night and all the college kids were dressed to impress. They were a termagant sea of skin, cloth, and hair, flowing in and out of one another before evaporating into the quiet streets.

Tired and alone sat a tiny oasis called the Fair Spanish Lady. There were no lines stretching around her structure and onto the roads, but she was by nobody's estimation means a sleepy old pub.

The right people knew about her and she stood like a shimmering jewel on a gilded crown. The other bars were flashier but the Lady had real worth.

The waters pounded the shoreline, but what sounded like thunder up close was reduced to white noise in the Lady. She had that effect on people. Absolute calm and serenity, the kinda of place to unwind and relax.

A stunning brunette and her blond partner laughed loudly as they ordered their drinks. The ice in their cups softly melted as it was met with the powerful tonic. The brunette was devastating. Her long legs were accented by her dark denim skinny jeans and bright red flats. She was stylish and hip, a hypnotic blend becoming a trap for wandering stares. Her skin was a lightly dimpled brown that invited gazes like a pet shop window. Her eyes were a dull gray with a hint of green that shone like unpolished emeralds in the low candle light, a treasure offset by her wry, knowing smile. I could not take my eyes off of her.

Everything was a blur. It was like the whole world around this girl was tuned out and unimportant. Maybe it was the booze or the onset of late night exhaustion but in that moment she seemed to slow time to a standstill. Nobody aged a second in those few minutes. She began to move back and forth and up and down to the steady beat like a single buoy in a briny stew of captivated drunks, all the while weaving herself in the meandering guitar lines of some hipster My Bloody Valentine knock off.

Her billowy top delayed her movements, clashing with the jingling costume jewelery and silky smooth hair. One foot, then another, eyes closed, glass in hand, she was a work of art. Something to behold, someone to be held.

Her blond friend turned toward me, briefly making eye contact. A smirk materialized on her porcelain lips and vanished behind her twiggy digits. She whispered something into the burning brunette's ear. For a moment it appeared her entrancing dance might be interrupted. Her eyes opened and she stared right at me, still moving. The crowd held it's collective breath, hoping, praying that the last note of the song would be the end of her display and not this sudden interruption.

My heart dropped like on the back side of a roller coaster apex. They caught me looking. Sitting with my friend at my table, they caught me looking. I thought about slowly loosing my gaze, but it was too late. So I just smiled; a sheepish, slightly embarrassed grin, hoping for the same.

It seemed I might be in the clear. The brunette sipped her drink ever so delicately, the alcohol thinning in color as it kissed her lips at such a precise angle. She set the glass down, and threw back her head with eyes closed. Again I was stunned.

"So Evan, I heard you broke up with Eleanor."
My eyes snapped back to attention, back on the cool, wiry figure in front of me. His name was Josh Minster, we had been friends since high school.

"Yeah, things just weren't right or something," I said lifting my glass for another drink. "I don't know, I think it was the right thing to do but ..."

I closed my eyes quietly and sighed to myself.

"It's over now though."

Josh shook his head up and down vigorously in affirmation, with all the confidence typical of a near drunk person.

"You gotta do what is right for you,man," he said slurring his speech slightly.
I looked away, unsure of the sanctity of my inebriated friend's advice.

"To a brighter tomorrow," declared Josh with his mug raised.
Reluctantly, I met his glass with mine.

"I hope so."

I literally dove into the drink, immersing myself in the faded bliss. Cold alcohol poured down my throat, killing brain cells and memories. The liquid seeped into every fold of my mind, nearly drowning me in drunken stupor. When I finally came up for air I had just enough presence of mind to notice the brunette was making her way toward me.

A wave of fear replaced the alcohol induced euphoria. It was that sunken feeling one gets when they know something bad is on the cusp of occurrence.

She approached the table with an unsteady wobble. Her eyes were half closed and there was a stain on her sleeve from a spilled drink. Party Foul!

I felt myself getting smaller and smaller as slumped in my chair. Despite seeing pink elephants, she was still beautiful, she was still somewhat aware, and yet she seemed to be approaching me directly. Even in my wildest dreams I would not have imagined a possibility of mutual attraction with this bombshell. Something had to go wrong.

My skin flushed with bright colors, like a broken chameleon. She stalked her way towards me still, parting the crowds with machete like resolve in an inebriated jungle.

Then it happened.

The moment. A rush of anxiety, what would I say? What should I say? My stomach turned and twisted inside of me.

Then, in a move that would make Michael Schumacher proud, her blond friend, who had been drafting behind secretively, pulled ahead at the last second and got right in my face.

"Why were you staring at my best friend Stacy?" she blurted out.

She was piss drunk, that much was certain. Her eyes were lifeless and unfocused, her tone was blunt and I think one of her shoes was missing.

I cautiously looked around to see if anyone else was watching this confrontation. They were.
What was there for me to do? It was bad enough to be caught, but to then be called out on it, my mind was in no condition to be dealing with this.

"I um, I didn't mean anything by it."
The blond scowled at me, and in a fit of righteous indignation began to tell to me why I wasn't nearly good enough for her friend.

I just sat there while her vodka tinged breath rained down on me. There was a hint of lime.
It was so typical. A completely innocent stare was met with unbridled anger when it would have been welcomed or sought after from a more handsome guy.

Still, sitting in a chair face to face with this intoxicated banshee was the most intimate I had been with a girl in a while.

The brunette dancer pulled on her friends left arm urging her to stop making a scene. She mouthed the word "sorry" to me before finally subduing the beast and exiting.

I missed Eleanor.

Hmmm... Random lyric in early morning

I, I, I, it's always me
But I'd rather talk about somebody else
Like you, or him, or her
I'd rather let you know how great I think you are
Than how sad it makes me feel
Or that they said something wonderful
and she wrote something I could never
Something so heartfelt and real
It needs no metaphor to cover up
I would like to write something positive
About how someday I would find a muse
that wasn't based in the incapacitating feeling of not being able to tell her...
But was genuine praise
Shall I compare thee to a fabrication
because none of it was ever true
I present these lies as fact in my own head
So as to distract my thoughts from the epiphany
That I can't stand another year of this
but it looks I must
Keep writing your own sad songs and I'll make things up for mine

The Infirmary

There are things nobody wants to understand

Why pain is fast fading
But sorrow lingers

Why at 3 O'clock in the morning
we fidget our feet
and writhe like an arthritic hand
Thinking about things
that were so long ago
It became fiction

Why when we drink
Liquor drudges up the dirt
instead of cleansing it

Why a part of us is missing
but only we can feel the void

It's like we are bandaged casualties
wounded in wars already decided
still bleeding out

Members of an infirmary without doctors
Self medicating in the mean time
And silently praying for a cure

A New Canvas

Poised and confident we extended a new hand
As the old ways step aside for new directions
Tired smiles and heavy tears
Emotion welled up from the depths of our being
A new nation was born on this night
Out of a tenured and difficult struggle
Pregnant with division
The world as a stage
together we walked to the podium
And a people painted their hopes on blank canvas
Like a country of artists and this is our masterpiece
We declared this night, as many with one voice
It's time for a change
And this is the first stroke of our brush

The will to be a lightning rod

I think she was the kin of lightning
bright and brilliant and startling
A piercing pure light
then calming quiet

It's the soothing silence that intrigues me
the time between slicing blade
and trickling blood
the crackling, shattering thunder

The air is vibrating with her vibrant glow
and I'm just a child waiting by the window
watching the rain
counting the seconds as she gets further away

Because lightning never considers the boy in awe
She merely strikes the highest points and moves on

Humanity on a warm night

We are like tracers in the night sky
Parabolas painting the air in frantic escape
Painfully draining our lives, grasping for substance
Searching for what? They know not
A soul aflame
Burning for a concept
We heard about only in passing
Like a conversation across the room
The details are muddled
Still, we move toward it
drawn like fireflies to one another
The glow is on everyone else
and us too
If only we could feel our own light
How spectacular if we sufficed our own desire
Quenching the unbearable heat with a spring from within
Wanting not ends having not
And we become set pieces like the stars
Rather than the erratic flights of fireflies
Running from their own illumination
To find enlightenment in a dead bulb

Don't even try

You know its in our most clear moments
We hear the worst news
That's why I'm reluctant to solve the puzzle
even when there is only one piece missing
from a corner

It was so obvious
And I shouldn't care

And maybe I don't that much
I've been devastated before
This isn't even close

It's only a symptom of a much larger cold
one thats been festering and weakening me for so long
that I've been living for years with stuffed nose
and can't remember what a clear head feels like

But the symptoms add up
a Saturday night alone
No money
No job
and a continuous urge to change

If somebody offered me a new life in another state
this would be my farewell letter to everyone

Sure I've heard that you must make your own fortunes
But I don't have the imagination for that

I've been learning songs to sing for somebody
for years
Now all I've got is a guitar with rusty strings
and something to practice when nobody is on AIM

I guess it's you

The first fall months have seen an explosion
a Pre-Cambrian growth of inspiration
and outlet
Some days I just sit, but I'm always thinking
setting up scenes for a film
where the actors are us
and our lives play out in storyboard

The strangest part has been my own reluctance
to see the muse of creation
Sometimes I don't know what was just made
Maybe it's my own cloudiness on the subject
A subconscious fog made of ignorance mixed with unbelief
Now a beam of clarity pokes through
And I see who it was all along

I guess it's you
And I don't know how to feel about it

Hard to impress

The cool dark night after a hot autumn day
a dichotomy of dual natures
Even with my glasses on its harder to see the stars than last year
so I'll just let the burning pinpoints blend into a mess of feeling

I'm falling in love again
she's been there the whole time it seems
In the heights and depths
I'm blown away by her subtlety

Rumbling the ground and opening my eyes
She lives in a cathedral and my mind
I can know her in the most private times
and she flavors my dreams

Sometimes I should just let my guard down
but I'm afraid she's so hard to impress
a worry for another time

For now I'm happy, a savior for a second
Just in Time like Nina Simone
And all I can think to do is smile

This is it

This is it,
no more fumbling
Its coming fast like a train
Inevitable and unstoppable

Blasting its horn, blaring
beating, chugging down the tracks
Will I see the red light?
Or just open my arms and wait for oblivion
Destruction, Eternity

Will I even try to stop?

Its one of those hot dry days outside
And my eyes are burning a hole through her
Can you see kindness?
I'm searching but I can never seem to find it
At least not before its too late
before its just a swaying saint
ascending to heaven with a halo 'round its neck

Talking to you is like singing in the dark
One sided and pathetically useless

But it's such enticing therapy

At war with mind

Motionless in the shower,
It might look like I'm enjoying the water
but really I'm just losing a battle
being held down
by a mind that hates me

Just standing in line to buy an album
I greet myself in the glass door entrance
with immediate disgust
followed by terrible insecurity

I wanted to run out of that record store
into the 52 degree night
past all the classic cars and oldies music
and just disappear into the empty streets

My mind chasing me all the way
causing me to scrutinize to hair and thread
all the reasons why I am a remainder
why I am largely by myself on a Saturday night

Depriving me of the beauty in couples on a bench
instead I despised the sight of it
to the point I had to look away
and stare at a singular shadow in orange streetlight glow

Dragging me through the mire of self loathing
When I'm trying find a companion and can barely stand myself
But that's just my mind
holding me down with one hand
and beating the life outta me with the other

my tunnel vision

Wandering alone, a satellite on a concrete path
sometimes I can feel people looking at me
though I try to act like I don't know
going so far as to stare at a point on the wall
like as if I was lost in thought, daydreaming
when I've really never been more lucid

Crossing gazes with another human being is a crazy thing
It almost hurts to be that near to their soul
for that moment when you know they see you seeing them see you
Even in deep conversation its like staring at the sun
and in the same way I wish I didn't have to look away

For a mere spec on the ticker tape of time
We were transcending reality

All my life without love

I wish for a moment that I could be understood
just a fleeting second that my yells were not whimpers
Is it too much to ask that one lone meteor
could attract a heavenly body

A disgusting grey precipitous day
is just a waste of a perfect afternoon
when there's nobody to get soaked with
I'll catch a cold to keep me company

A needle dragged on a life giving artery
sucking in and blowing out the nicotine of my heart
just another way to feel the warmth
of pure unfiltered love

To get stumped on what to do for fun
the final jeopardy, a chance to take the lead
Stutter, faulter, struggle
and I wagered too much already

A headstone in a cold brown field
saturated with water and muddied from time
will somebody clear away the dirt to reveal
"All My Life Without Love"?

Here lies the only man to never connect
a sad sad story lacking intellect
he tried and failed, but never tried enough
since relating to others seemed so tough
He thought maybe once, but never twice
instead wanting answers, not taking advice
A plea in his heart directed above
Will I live all my life and never know love?

Sometimes getting walked to first feels like striking out

I told myself I shouldn't care
That this girl with dark brown hair
would think perhaps that I was fair
Or that maybe I would find my pair

She was kind enough to give me chance
To state my case through verbal dance

She gave me something I have not known
Company was hers to loan

But in the end we missed the link
the night was over as one eye blinks
We shared 2 hours and sober drinks
Yet reflecting now I do not think

That we made the connection I sorely lack
And felt even farther from when I drove back

But i'm scared

Fear is drilling into my brain
burrowing out of my subconscious and into my lucid state
then she put me on hold
God was it for real
stomach twisting and tying into double knots
the kind you cant get out because they're too tight
I can't even make out the lines of her face
all that is seen is words
like smoke rising up and dissipating
When do i get to shift into second
stop revving and revving and sucking down fuel
when does it become easier?
But I'm scared
I'm scared cause failure could be worse
worse than trying
she's not responding
do I panic
or remain calm
she could be sleeping or resting
Though i would never know cause I can barely see her face
This is painful
Stepping on broken glass bare feet broken arm blisters painful

For the occasion that you are pretty

Kicking and fidgeting
I want to say more
Ive got the devil and an angel on each shoulder
and both are urging me to say something
But sometimes something is hard to say
Difficult to put into words
My fingers atrophy as the seconds rush by
taking the breath from my lungs
I cannot speak more
though my brain could write a novel about it
Humor me just a little longer
It always feels like failure
Even if i broke the tape before the others
I haven't won till i've adorned the medal
Gilded as it might sometimes be
A win is still a win
But to me all is loss
A little more time
A little more familiarity
A little more reciprocation
More it seems is all I need
The world is falling apart from too much
And I want more