The Infirmary

There are things nobody wants to understand

Why pain is fast fading
But sorrow lingers

Why at 3 O'clock in the morning
we fidget our feet
and writhe like an arthritic hand
Thinking about things
that were so long ago
It became fiction

Why when we drink
Liquor drudges up the dirt
instead of cleansing it

Why a part of us is missing
but only we can feel the void

It's like we are bandaged casualties
wounded in wars already decided
still bleeding out

Members of an infirmary without doctors
Self medicating in the mean time
And silently praying for a cure

A New Canvas

Poised and confident we extended a new hand
As the old ways step aside for new directions
Tired smiles and heavy tears
Emotion welled up from the depths of our being
A new nation was born on this night
Out of a tenured and difficult struggle
Pregnant with division
The world as a stage
together we walked to the podium
And a people painted their hopes on blank canvas
Like a country of artists and this is our masterpiece
We declared this night, as many with one voice
It's time for a change
And this is the first stroke of our brush

The will to be a lightning rod

I think she was the kin of lightning
bright and brilliant and startling
A piercing pure light
then calming quiet

It's the soothing silence that intrigues me
the time between slicing blade
and trickling blood
the crackling, shattering thunder

The air is vibrating with her vibrant glow
and I'm just a child waiting by the window
watching the rain
counting the seconds as she gets further away

Because lightning never considers the boy in awe
She merely strikes the highest points and moves on

Humanity on a warm night

We are like tracers in the night sky
Parabolas painting the air in frantic escape
Painfully draining our lives, grasping for substance
Searching for what? They know not
A soul aflame
Burning for a concept
We heard about only in passing
Like a conversation across the room
The details are muddled
Still, we move toward it
drawn like fireflies to one another
The glow is on everyone else
and us too
If only we could feel our own light
How spectacular if we sufficed our own desire
Quenching the unbearable heat with a spring from within
Wanting not ends having not
And we become set pieces like the stars
Rather than the erratic flights of fireflies
Running from their own illumination
To find enlightenment in a dead bulb

Don't even try

You know its in our most clear moments
We hear the worst news
That's why I'm reluctant to solve the puzzle
even when there is only one piece missing
from a corner

It was so obvious
And I shouldn't care

And maybe I don't that much
I've been devastated before
This isn't even close

It's only a symptom of a much larger cold
one thats been festering and weakening me for so long
that I've been living for years with stuffed nose
and can't remember what a clear head feels like

But the symptoms add up
a Saturday night alone
No money
No job
and a continuous urge to change

If somebody offered me a new life in another state
this would be my farewell letter to everyone

Sure I've heard that you must make your own fortunes
But I don't have the imagination for that

I've been learning songs to sing for somebody
for years
Now all I've got is a guitar with rusty strings
and something to practice when nobody is on AIM

I guess it's you

The first fall months have seen an explosion
a Pre-Cambrian growth of inspiration
and outlet
Some days I just sit, but I'm always thinking
setting up scenes for a film
where the actors are us
and our lives play out in storyboard

The strangest part has been my own reluctance
to see the muse of creation
Sometimes I don't know what was just made
Maybe it's my own cloudiness on the subject
A subconscious fog made of ignorance mixed with unbelief
Now a beam of clarity pokes through
And I see who it was all along

I guess it's you
And I don't know how to feel about it

Hard to impress

The cool dark night after a hot autumn day
a dichotomy of dual natures
Even with my glasses on its harder to see the stars than last year
so I'll just let the burning pinpoints blend into a mess of feeling

I'm falling in love again
she's been there the whole time it seems
In the heights and depths
I'm blown away by her subtlety

Rumbling the ground and opening my eyes
She lives in a cathedral and my mind
I can know her in the most private times
and she flavors my dreams

Sometimes I should just let my guard down
but I'm afraid she's so hard to impress
a worry for another time

For now I'm happy, a savior for a second
Just in Time like Nina Simone
And all I can think to do is smile

This is it

This is it,
no more fumbling
Its coming fast like a train
Inevitable and unstoppable

Blasting its horn, blaring
beating, chugging down the tracks
Will I see the red light?
Or just open my arms and wait for oblivion
Destruction, Eternity

Will I even try to stop?

Its one of those hot dry days outside
And my eyes are burning a hole through her
Can you see kindness?
I'm searching but I can never seem to find it
At least not before its too late
before its just a swaying saint
ascending to heaven with a halo 'round its neck

Talking to you is like singing in the dark
One sided and pathetically useless

But it's such enticing therapy

At war with mind

Motionless in the shower,
It might look like I'm enjoying the water
but really I'm just losing a battle
being held down
by a mind that hates me

Just standing in line to buy an album
I greet myself in the glass door entrance
with immediate disgust
followed by terrible insecurity

I wanted to run out of that record store
into the 52 degree night
past all the classic cars and oldies music
and just disappear into the empty streets

My mind chasing me all the way
causing me to scrutinize to hair and thread
all the reasons why I am a remainder
why I am largely by myself on a Saturday night

Depriving me of the beauty in couples on a bench
instead I despised the sight of it
to the point I had to look away
and stare at a singular shadow in orange streetlight glow

Dragging me through the mire of self loathing
When I'm trying find a companion and can barely stand myself
But that's just my mind
holding me down with one hand
and beating the life outta me with the other

my tunnel vision

Wandering alone, a satellite on a concrete path
sometimes I can feel people looking at me
though I try to act like I don't know
going so far as to stare at a point on the wall
like as if I was lost in thought, daydreaming
when I've really never been more lucid

Crossing gazes with another human being is a crazy thing
It almost hurts to be that near to their soul
for that moment when you know they see you seeing them see you
Even in deep conversation its like staring at the sun
and in the same way I wish I didn't have to look away

For a mere spec on the ticker tape of time
We were transcending reality

All my life without love

I wish for a moment that I could be understood
just a fleeting second that my yells were not whimpers
Is it too much to ask that one lone meteor
could attract a heavenly body

A disgusting grey precipitous day
is just a waste of a perfect afternoon
when there's nobody to get soaked with
I'll catch a cold to keep me company

A needle dragged on a life giving artery
sucking in and blowing out the nicotine of my heart
just another way to feel the warmth
of pure unfiltered love

To get stumped on what to do for fun
the final jeopardy, a chance to take the lead
Stutter, faulter, struggle
and I wagered too much already

A headstone in a cold brown field
saturated with water and muddied from time
will somebody clear away the dirt to reveal
"All My Life Without Love"?

Here lies the only man to never connect
a sad sad story lacking intellect
he tried and failed, but never tried enough
since relating to others seemed so tough
He thought maybe once, but never twice
instead wanting answers, not taking advice
A plea in his heart directed above
Will I live all my life and never know love?

Sometimes getting walked to first feels like striking out

I told myself I shouldn't care
That this girl with dark brown hair
would think perhaps that I was fair
Or that maybe I would find my pair

She was kind enough to give me chance
To state my case through verbal dance

She gave me something I have not known
Company was hers to loan

But in the end we missed the link
the night was over as one eye blinks
We shared 2 hours and sober drinks
Yet reflecting now I do not think

That we made the connection I sorely lack
And felt even farther from when I drove back

But i'm scared

Fear is drilling into my brain
burrowing out of my subconscious and into my lucid state
then she put me on hold
God was it for real
stomach twisting and tying into double knots
the kind you cant get out because they're too tight
I can't even make out the lines of her face
all that is seen is words
like smoke rising up and dissipating
When do i get to shift into second
stop revving and revving and sucking down fuel
when does it become easier?
But I'm scared
I'm scared cause failure could be worse
worse than trying
she's not responding
do I panic
or remain calm
she could be sleeping or resting
Though i would never know cause I can barely see her face
This is painful
Stepping on broken glass bare feet broken arm blisters painful

For the occasion that you are pretty

Kicking and fidgeting
I want to say more
Ive got the devil and an angel on each shoulder
and both are urging me to say something
But sometimes something is hard to say
Difficult to put into words
My fingers atrophy as the seconds rush by
taking the breath from my lungs
I cannot speak more
though my brain could write a novel about it
Humor me just a little longer
It always feels like failure
Even if i broke the tape before the others
I haven't won till i've adorned the medal
Gilded as it might sometimes be
A win is still a win
But to me all is loss
A little more time
A little more familiarity
A little more reciprocation
More it seems is all I need
The world is falling apart from too much
And I want more

The Hero Arch

Out of darkness comes the light
out of obscurity, a fame
and out of my mouth
is wretched sorrow

Intrinsically linked since the moment of transfiguration
as I, my new self, and adulthood sat on the crest of adolescence
I was blind but now I see
The angst and anxiety
and stress and moroseness
Of realizing my goal
at the same time as my fault

A window was opened
paralleled by bars built round it
I must slay my enemy
release myself from the gravel
from the earth
from this cage

the moment of revelation, the second coming
I long to leave this body for another
not burdened with the weight
of waiting in uncertainty

God asks for my patience
He requires my trust
but long is the road ever stretching out in front of me
I would rather settle for second best or half of what is due
than bide my time in what seems like eternity

He knows this, I know this
but still my arch is not finished
I concede in submission while I follow the road
I can feel my victory over the next hill, the next year
But how many more hills and valleys and steep slopes and canyons must I cross

Before I reach the peak at Sinai
and the Lord reveals his plan to me
or will I merely get a better view
while I die in quiet solitude at the top.

Still a hero
but of a shallow victory.

Coffins, my dear. Coffins.

Like the doves on your wrist you wing through my mind
all day long
Like the red in your hair you are the life in my blood
that keeps my heart beating
Don't close the door, don't close the door
on me
cause I want you to know
that you are the reason im so cold
Like the air in the fall and the leaves on the ground
all around
Sending chills down my spine
Like rain in the clouds you bring tears to my eyes
falling falling falling down
cause i want you to be
the voice i don't have and the poise that i lack
just don't close the door
to your heart

But it didn't happen that way
the red haired bird flew
A nail through my wooden home
and the culprit floated away
the roof is peppered with shovels of dirt

For myself - With love and squalor

There are no silent brooks
but some trees fall unnoticed

some rocks go unturned
And the heart and mouth
do not always connect

Like cupping two palms
to draw water for drink
The heart has so much to say
it runs over the edges
So when raising it up
to quench the thirst
The mouth sadly finds
most of the substance had slipped through the cracks

So little makes it through the lips
that only a stunted version
of what was meant to be said
is ever really verbalized

So with a dehydrated mouth
and a heart about to burst
I slosh about
hoping to strike the rock
and have water spring forth
Or waiting for an angel
with a divining rod

There's an ocean of life under this course surface
and I've yet for another one to want it

And my vision is illegible and my concentration fades
two and three times for a sentence
and one or less times is my s-e-n-t-e-n-c-e

A lion is stalking us

And what are we all running from?
Like groups of gazelles, certain a lion is stalking us
stumbling together through a savannah
while a predator lurks

A casino floor with stilettos for hooves
Holding our wounded and weak up with liquor
Hoping to stave off aggressors
with sheer numbers

The blistering city streets are lined with watering holes
but the water is toxic
not fit but to speed up our capture
the Lion is stalking us
And he is patient

Eventually the wrong move is made
stumbling down the wrong alley
collapsing on the wrong bed
You can only shed a tear and lie
While the Lion waits for you to die

A mortal mistake is sprinting to make an escape
And what are we running from anyway

How did I just stand there?

And how did i just sit there and take it?
Not two feet away from two people i cared for
In the arms of their lovers
In the thoughts of their others
In the eyes of their beholders
You know how to feel alone in a crowd,
Its simple really, I'm certainly a pro by now
stand as close as possible to the newly impossible
so close you can smell them
so close you could touch them
so close you can hear them
the lovely, little poems
that come straight from part of your heart
that empties when you're sure she's the one
The same exact place, in fact
as the dank, dark, damp, destructive,
lyrics of late night anger and furious outburst
or close to it I imagine.
But instead of walking away,
I stood there and took it
the same way I sit here now and take it
by getting use to, no accepting, no enjoying
my lonesome life and long desert road of a future it implys

But i'm being irrational now
that was years ago now
the last time I saw my best friends
in repressed depression
or any capacity really.
No what i'm really crying for
what i'm really wishing for
or any number of fanciful words for pining
Is that moment when i finally see this rusty old vessel
reverse its course from the depths of the abyssal black hole
of selfish cynicism and quiet numbness
that promises to envelope what little love I have left
At least when i stood there and took it
Some small piece of me was still fighting for my own well being.

Spring

And with the end of gardening came a sad sigh of relief
not just a chapter but a whole book closed
It shouldn't have this effect on me
Another has this effect on me
She shouldn't have this effect on me
I'm doomed for a new round of new heartache
But this hill is sloping down and I'm afraid I can't stop it
I'm being honest now
My heels left the ground
My head's in the clouds
I sat in the dark and spoke to God
It's going to have an effect on me
I can't even see straight