This is it

This is it,
no more fumbling
Its coming fast like a train
Inevitable and unstoppable

Blasting its horn, blaring
beating, chugging down the tracks
Will I see the red light?
Or just open my arms and wait for oblivion
Destruction, Eternity

Will I even try to stop?

Its one of those hot dry days outside
And my eyes are burning a hole through her
Can you see kindness?
I'm searching but I can never seem to find it
At least not before its too late
before its just a swaying saint
ascending to heaven with a halo 'round its neck

Talking to you is like singing in the dark
One sided and pathetically useless

But it's such enticing therapy

At war with mind

Motionless in the shower,
It might look like I'm enjoying the water
but really I'm just losing a battle
being held down
by a mind that hates me

Just standing in line to buy an album
I greet myself in the glass door entrance
with immediate disgust
followed by terrible insecurity

I wanted to run out of that record store
into the 52 degree night
past all the classic cars and oldies music
and just disappear into the empty streets

My mind chasing me all the way
causing me to scrutinize to hair and thread
all the reasons why I am a remainder
why I am largely by myself on a Saturday night

Depriving me of the beauty in couples on a bench
instead I despised the sight of it
to the point I had to look away
and stare at a singular shadow in orange streetlight glow

Dragging me through the mire of self loathing
When I'm trying find a companion and can barely stand myself
But that's just my mind
holding me down with one hand
and beating the life outta me with the other

my tunnel vision

Wandering alone, a satellite on a concrete path
sometimes I can feel people looking at me
though I try to act like I don't know
going so far as to stare at a point on the wall
like as if I was lost in thought, daydreaming
when I've really never been more lucid

Crossing gazes with another human being is a crazy thing
It almost hurts to be that near to their soul
for that moment when you know they see you seeing them see you
Even in deep conversation its like staring at the sun
and in the same way I wish I didn't have to look away

For a mere spec on the ticker tape of time
We were transcending reality

All my life without love

I wish for a moment that I could be understood
just a fleeting second that my yells were not whimpers
Is it too much to ask that one lone meteor
could attract a heavenly body

A disgusting grey precipitous day
is just a waste of a perfect afternoon
when there's nobody to get soaked with
I'll catch a cold to keep me company

A needle dragged on a life giving artery
sucking in and blowing out the nicotine of my heart
just another way to feel the warmth
of pure unfiltered love

To get stumped on what to do for fun
the final jeopardy, a chance to take the lead
Stutter, faulter, struggle
and I wagered too much already

A headstone in a cold brown field
saturated with water and muddied from time
will somebody clear away the dirt to reveal
"All My Life Without Love"?

Here lies the only man to never connect
a sad sad story lacking intellect
he tried and failed, but never tried enough
since relating to others seemed so tough
He thought maybe once, but never twice
instead wanting answers, not taking advice
A plea in his heart directed above
Will I live all my life and never know love?

Sometimes getting walked to first feels like striking out

I told myself I shouldn't care
That this girl with dark brown hair
would think perhaps that I was fair
Or that maybe I would find my pair

She was kind enough to give me chance
To state my case through verbal dance

She gave me something I have not known
Company was hers to loan

But in the end we missed the link
the night was over as one eye blinks
We shared 2 hours and sober drinks
Yet reflecting now I do not think

That we made the connection I sorely lack
And felt even farther from when I drove back

But i'm scared

Fear is drilling into my brain
burrowing out of my subconscious and into my lucid state
then she put me on hold
God was it for real
stomach twisting and tying into double knots
the kind you cant get out because they're too tight
I can't even make out the lines of her face
all that is seen is words
like smoke rising up and dissipating
When do i get to shift into second
stop revving and revving and sucking down fuel
when does it become easier?
But I'm scared
I'm scared cause failure could be worse
worse than trying
she's not responding
do I panic
or remain calm
she could be sleeping or resting
Though i would never know cause I can barely see her face
This is painful
Stepping on broken glass bare feet broken arm blisters painful

For the occasion that you are pretty

Kicking and fidgeting
I want to say more
Ive got the devil and an angel on each shoulder
and both are urging me to say something
But sometimes something is hard to say
Difficult to put into words
My fingers atrophy as the seconds rush by
taking the breath from my lungs
I cannot speak more
though my brain could write a novel about it
Humor me just a little longer
It always feels like failure
Even if i broke the tape before the others
I haven't won till i've adorned the medal
Gilded as it might sometimes be
A win is still a win
But to me all is loss
A little more time
A little more familiarity
A little more reciprocation
More it seems is all I need
The world is falling apart from too much
And I want more

The Hero Arch

Out of darkness comes the light
out of obscurity, a fame
and out of my mouth
is wretched sorrow

Intrinsically linked since the moment of transfiguration
as I, my new self, and adulthood sat on the crest of adolescence
I was blind but now I see
The angst and anxiety
and stress and moroseness
Of realizing my goal
at the same time as my fault

A window was opened
paralleled by bars built round it
I must slay my enemy
release myself from the gravel
from the earth
from this cage

the moment of revelation, the second coming
I long to leave this body for another
not burdened with the weight
of waiting in uncertainty

God asks for my patience
He requires my trust
but long is the road ever stretching out in front of me
I would rather settle for second best or half of what is due
than bide my time in what seems like eternity

He knows this, I know this
but still my arch is not finished
I concede in submission while I follow the road
I can feel my victory over the next hill, the next year
But how many more hills and valleys and steep slopes and canyons must I cross

Before I reach the peak at Sinai
and the Lord reveals his plan to me
or will I merely get a better view
while I die in quiet solitude at the top.

Still a hero
but of a shallow victory.

Coffins, my dear. Coffins.

Like the doves on your wrist you wing through my mind
all day long
Like the red in your hair you are the life in my blood
that keeps my heart beating
Don't close the door, don't close the door
on me
cause I want you to know
that you are the reason im so cold
Like the air in the fall and the leaves on the ground
all around
Sending chills down my spine
Like rain in the clouds you bring tears to my eyes
falling falling falling down
cause i want you to be
the voice i don't have and the poise that i lack
just don't close the door
to your heart

But it didn't happen that way
the red haired bird flew
A nail through my wooden home
and the culprit floated away
the roof is peppered with shovels of dirt

For myself - With love and squalor

There are no silent brooks
but some trees fall unnoticed

some rocks go unturned
And the heart and mouth
do not always connect

Like cupping two palms
to draw water for drink
The heart has so much to say
it runs over the edges
So when raising it up
to quench the thirst
The mouth sadly finds
most of the substance had slipped through the cracks

So little makes it through the lips
that only a stunted version
of what was meant to be said
is ever really verbalized

So with a dehydrated mouth
and a heart about to burst
I slosh about
hoping to strike the rock
and have water spring forth
Or waiting for an angel
with a divining rod

There's an ocean of life under this course surface
and I've yet for another one to want it

And my vision is illegible and my concentration fades
two and three times for a sentence
and one or less times is my s-e-n-t-e-n-c-e

A lion is stalking us

And what are we all running from?
Like groups of gazelles, certain a lion is stalking us
stumbling together through a savannah
while a predator lurks

A casino floor with stilettos for hooves
Holding our wounded and weak up with liquor
Hoping to stave off aggressors
with sheer numbers

The blistering city streets are lined with watering holes
but the water is toxic
not fit but to speed up our capture
the Lion is stalking us
And he is patient

Eventually the wrong move is made
stumbling down the wrong alley
collapsing on the wrong bed
You can only shed a tear and lie
While the Lion waits for you to die

A mortal mistake is sprinting to make an escape
And what are we running from anyway

How did I just stand there?

And how did i just sit there and take it?
Not two feet away from two people i cared for
In the arms of their lovers
In the thoughts of their others
In the eyes of their beholders
You know how to feel alone in a crowd,
Its simple really, I'm certainly a pro by now
stand as close as possible to the newly impossible
so close you can smell them
so close you could touch them
so close you can hear them
the lovely, little poems
that come straight from part of your heart
that empties when you're sure she's the one
The same exact place, in fact
as the dank, dark, damp, destructive,
lyrics of late night anger and furious outburst
or close to it I imagine.
But instead of walking away,
I stood there and took it
the same way I sit here now and take it
by getting use to, no accepting, no enjoying
my lonesome life and long desert road of a future it implys

But i'm being irrational now
that was years ago now
the last time I saw my best friends
in repressed depression
or any capacity really.
No what i'm really crying for
what i'm really wishing for
or any number of fanciful words for pining
Is that moment when i finally see this rusty old vessel
reverse its course from the depths of the abyssal black hole
of selfish cynicism and quiet numbness
that promises to envelope what little love I have left
At least when i stood there and took it
Some small piece of me was still fighting for my own well being.

Spring

And with the end of gardening came a sad sigh of relief
not just a chapter but a whole book closed
It shouldn't have this effect on me
Another has this effect on me
She shouldn't have this effect on me
I'm doomed for a new round of new heartache
But this hill is sloping down and I'm afraid I can't stop it
I'm being honest now
My heels left the ground
My head's in the clouds
I sat in the dark and spoke to God
It's going to have an effect on me
I can't even see straight

471

Three desks back and three rows over
Three walls white as the cliffs of dover
Now three students where once was one
A single file line in the shadow of the sun

Halls getting louder and footsteps fill the air
There is one girl missing with long brown hair
I hope, I prayed, I think I might die
If the girl with brown hair and almond shaped eyes

Walks right passed me or even worse still
Goes a whole semester without knowing how i feel
she ignored me this time, maybe I should have smiled
Maybe I should have wrote it out on the cold white tile

Or maybe I'm not worth the while
Verdict "boring" from the trial
or maybe its my lack of style
I'll just march out single file
with the other losers and useless men
who couldn't speak up and are alone again...

The end of gardening

Oh delicate flower on the other side of a fence
so long have I coveted your scent
A white washed barrier and few feet of grass
seperate me from the memory of past

Oh delicate flower so many years ago
every fall you'd bloom while i admired a rose
I haven't seen you for a year at least
Soon to be made part of a bouquet at a feast

Throw away the gloves and shears
This is the end of gardening

God, its dark, its late

When you're in the mood to create
Its like reaching into a box
and finding the thing you wanted most
Looking at the shiny object
In complete admiration
and telling yourself in a quiet voice
its time i match or surpass it
And staring at a blank canvas
wishing it were wet
With blood, sweat, tears
and long lost fears
Of doubts and insecurities never ending
My pride and joy and bane in one
Morose feelings and cynical stammers
Sense of longing for sense of belonging
and giving my 2 cents
Making sense of life through someones eyes
When I'm in the mood to create

21 The Aftermath

As a tree spreads its branches
Leaves budding in all directions
So sits you, head in a book
Legs crossed and glasses on
2! parts in nature
1! on the concrete
Go! she seems to say
The night was not a blur
But the laughs came easy
The waitress was attractive
but my thoughts were not so sleazy
The aftermath, a shock wave
She gets up and walks away
If she saw me it was as a part of the background
I'll rock an Adios
A snap of the fingers
The drink's effect faded
But the buzz still lingers

the fight for my life

Only the first sailor could even relate
to how lonely i feel in my own skin
floating through time and taking up space
stuck in cyclone and tired of spin

A tear in the eyes sinks last memory
a flood of anger in the heart
The fear of loss, my vessel is capsizing
tends to rip my mind apart

The ship run aground, its time to abandon
Sweet sorrow and anger brought on by my strife
Last attention to orders escape from the captain
Cast anchors and life rafts, the fight for my life!

American Idol

Trapped in a body so ailing
nothing to say so we sing
hearts content and souls fill
birth heart beating, death heart still
A love so pure, a love so pure
a wish of last
2 days have passed
20 years too fast
Sing your melody for all to hear
and heal the wounds of sadness and fear
There will be only one victor tonight!
God bless the soul that empties-

its only the last time

Dont cry, dont cry, i swear he meant no harm

the close of 2 years well spent draw nigh
and 2 more from now you'll let a sigh
but 2 more 2 more and every year from then
will turn the edges of your mouth on end
and the way you feel now
is a testament to how
much you have loved and been loved in return
but just the tip of the iceburg the love you will earn
smile in fours because ones not enough
dont lock the doors to your heart to be tough
you fail and you fall and you get up again
but soon you won't fall
flat on your face, the tears well up
dripping like from a cracked cup
no, soon you'll find the strength to stand up and wipe away pain
its only the last time, from here on is gain.